First Things First

Sex Has Consequences

2011-05-23T20:00:00.003-04:00

I have watched parents be vigilant about vaccinating their kids against diseases. I have seen parents spend hours plotting out activities and experiences they want their children to have in preparation for "success" in life. I have witnessed the agony some parents go through making decisions about their child's educational path.

However, there is one area in life that I have seen many parents shy away from and that is the area of talking to their kids about sex and healthy relationships. A lot of parents would prefer that someone else take on that task, which is somewhat surprising considering how interested they are in their children being successful in life.

Consider this:

21,000 teens contract a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) every day.
Nearly one in four sexually active teens are infected with an STD.
Many of the STDs are symptomless yet cause all kinds of health problems including infertility and even death.

When it comes to children having children, what are the chances that a child born to a teen mother will grow up in poverty? If the mother gives birth as a teen, isn't married when the baby is born and doesn't graduate from high school or get her GED, the chances of her child growing up in poverty is 80 percent. If none of these things happen, the chances of a child growing up in poverty is 6 percent.

Isn't something with such serious ramifications for your child worth talking about?

Your child deserves to know the facts about sex because Sex does have consequences. It can't be a one time conversation. It has to be ongoing learning just like any other subject. Here are some tips for talking to your kids.

Don't put it off. Your kid's future is at stake.

Running Away

2011-04-22T20:00:00.001-04:00

Many of you have wondered aloud to me if I ever sleep or just chill out. My husband will testify that I do chill, I do know how to play and that I usually get 7ish hours of sleep a night (at his strong urging.....he says I'm not very pleasant when I don't get enough sleep. Imagine that??????? No, never mind, don't go there)

Last weekend Jay and I did something really fun. We ran away to WinShape Retreat to participate in their Romantic Adventures weekend. We had a blast. It was content rich, but not heavy. Shawn and Christina Stoever are insightful, fun and funny!

There was just the right amount of down time and with a 26,000 acre playground at our fingertips there was plenty of room to get away by ourselves. Naps were a requirement! The food was amazing and the hospitality was over the top.

We all had the option to participate in the wilderness adventure course. Too much fun!!!!

This is my don't look down face! Challenging, but very fun especially with my sweetie!

Overall a great weekend! We were gone for 2 days, but it honestly felt like we had been away longer. I highly recommend doing something like this. Too much tyranny of the urgent going on in our lives today. Not enough nurturing of the relationships we really treasure.

It's Here

2011-03-27T21:12:00.000-04:00

The birthday girl!

Well, it is finally here. Our daughter turned 18 today. We were laughing because the night I went into labor was very much like last night. It was very rainy, we were watching March Madness and it looked like Duke was going into overtime when I told Jay we needed to go to the hospital. He jokingly looked at me and said, "Now, are you sure?" Just a few hours later Ashley was born and our adventure began!

Throughout the celebration there were lots of comments made about turning 18 and finally being an adult. We laughed a bit about those comments, but I did remind her that 18 just means she is legal. Being an adult is more about how you act - you know - more freedom means more responsibility. I got the whole eye roll thing......again. "I know mom" Lol!

Loved being able to celebrate with family. Lots of fun stories!!!! We are looking forward to seeing what God has in store for Ashley in this next stage of her life.

Happy Birthday Ashley!!!!

How Time Flies

2011-03-24T19:30:00.001-04:00

Such a cutie!

On this date 18 years ago we were still recovering from the blizzard of '93 and I was VERY pregnant, thinking I had one month to go. Little did I know that our daughter would be born exactly 3 days later. I think if I had known I was so close to delivering when the blizzard hit I would have been a nervous wreck.

Ashley arrived early Saturday morning, March 27th perfectly healthy and seemingly ready to rock and roll!

I can't believe it has been 18 years. People said time would fly, but honestly there were times I did not believe them - like the times it felt like WWIII when we were trying to get our little strong willed four-year-old to go to bed or the gazillionth time she looked at us rolled her eyes and acted like she thought we were from another planet or the time she told us she was ready to live life on the edge!

We have laughed A LOT, shed tears, spent hours talking, headed out many Saturday mornings to ride horses and had adventures too numerous to mention throughout these 18 years that have produced great memories.

I would have to say the good times far outweighed the bad times and I am really proud of the woman our daughter is becoming. It is fun to see the peace in her eyes and her confidence grow.

Still a real cutie!

While I can't believe I am old enough to have an 18 year old, I am looking forward to this celebration!

Extreme Makeover

2011-02-18T19:30:00.000-05:00

Meet Missy Thompson from KMT Creative and Emily Willard with Vision Homes. KMT has taken care of all of the media and PR for this build and Emily's husband Jason and his partner Craig Smith are the builders. These are just two of the mighty army of volunteers who have been part of the Extreme Makeover.

This has been an incredible opportunity for our community. Watching people come together - people who often are competitors - and work side by side to accomplish something in one short week that should take months has been overwhelming.

Everything for this build has been donated from the food to feed all of the volunteers to the materials and labor. I think this brings out the best in people and shows us what we can truly accomplish when we work together.

My hat is off to the Extreme Makeover Home Edition producers, design team and crew. You all truly are a class act. I am grateful to live in such a wonderful place where people will come out and volunteer to make life better for someone else.

National Marriage Week

2011-02-07T20:00:00.001-05:00

You may be wondering, why in the world is there a National Marriage Week.

Just like Go Red Day promotes awareness of women and heart disease or the NFL football players wearing pink to bring awareness to breast cancer, this week has been set aside to bring awareness to the importance of healthy marriage in our communities, states and nation.

Research consistently indicates that almost 90 percent of Americans plan to marry at some point in life. But just like with the symptoms of heart disease or breast cancer, many don't know the signs and symptoms of unhealthy relationships nor do they have the tools necessary to build a healthy marriage.

There are many specific things we can do to prevent heart disease, the key is putting them into practice.

It is no different with marriage. There are many things all of us can do to build a healthy marriage - but we have to move from all talk to action.

What have you done for your marriage lately?

It is never too late to take a class and learn new skills.

Here are some ideas for Stoking the Fires of Passion in Your Marriage

Here's to a passionate Valentine's Day and a new emphasis on stoking the fire of your relationship all year round.

Its Really all about our Children

2010-12-17T20:00:00.000-05:00

There have been many newspaper and magazine articles about the latest marriage research released by Pew Research and The National Marriage Project. Both show that we are seeing a serious decline in marriage and a huge increase in the number of children born out of wedlock in lower and middle class America. While some may espouse "To each his own" when it comes to whether people choose to marry or have a child out of wedlock, these choices will seriously impact you, me and everybody else over time.

The consequences for children growing up in homes without their two married parents are enormous. Before you hit the comment button, hear me out. I am not against single parents. I AM for what is best for children and what we know based on decades of research is children who grow up in a home with their two married parents do better in every area of life.

If you are thinking not my problem, this doesn't impact you because you have an intact marriage, think again. Believing that what other people do behind closed doors doesn't impact anybody else is like living with your head in the sand. We are all impacted on a daily basis by the decisions people make for example, if your child is friends with someone whose parents divorce or your child decides she wants to date a boy who has grown up without a father figure what does this mean for your child? Chances are you are going to be answering questions about divorce and wondering if this young man has any idea how to treat your daughter since he may never have had a healthy male role model in his life.

There are many other examples I could give you about how this problem impacts you in every area of life including your bank account.

This is why the work of First Things First is critical. People of every walk of life need to understand that marriage and childbearing go hand in hand. If you are concerned about child well-being we need you to be part of the army of people who are willing to talk about the importance of healthy marriage and its connection to raising healthy children.

Reasons Why Marriage is Relevant

2010-11-21T20:30:00.001-05:00

I read with interest the media headlines about the new Pew Study on marriage. "4 in 10 Say Marriage is Irrelevant," "We're Just Not that into Marriage," "I Don't, Twenty-Somethings in New York aren't the marrying kind," and "More Americans may Believe Marriage is Obsolete" are just a few of the headlines across the country.

So if you take that at surface value you might think that people really aren't into marriage, but if you dig into the research what you actually find is that Americans are very into marriage - so much so that we are the most marrying, divorcing and re-marrying country in the world.

While perception is reality for people, it doesn't mean their perception is necessarily accurate.

Studies indicate that marriage is declining for those on the lower rungs of the socio-economic ladder, this doesn't mean that those of lower socio-economic means do not desire to marry. They do! (Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood before Marriage by Kathryn Edin and Maria Kefalas)

Interestingly, the Pew study shows that marriage is still the norm for those with a college education.

It might surprise you to know that more than 80 percent of high school seniors consider marriage an important part of their future plans.

Research consistently shows that almost 90 percent of Americans plan to marry at some point in their lives.

A major change noted by the Pew study indicates that people are more willing to consider other types of living arrangements a "family." However, research indicates that there are certain benefits that only marriage provides for people. While one might assume that these benefits would transfer to those who live together or other family forms, the research shows they do not (The Case for Marriage by Linda Waite, University of Chicago and Maggie Gallagher).

There is robust research that shows marriage has a positive impact on health, wellness, finances, community development, economic development, education, men, women and CHILDREN. Children who grow up in married parent households are less likely to suffer abuse, more likely to do well in school, less likely to experience depression or be involved in risky behaviors. These children are also less likely to grow up in poverty. Of families living in poverty only 6 percent are married parent homes with children under the age of 18 compared to single parent homes with children under the age of 18 at more than 40 percent.

So why might people delay marriage or believe it is obsolete? Perhaps it has something do to with relationship skills. People assume if they are in love they can make marriage work. OR, if they have never seen marriage work, they assume they can't make it work either. Hence the increase in living together.

People who assume that love will carry them through often experience a rude awakening when they find out they don't feel so loving towards their mate.

There are lots of couples rushing to the alter after only knowing each other for a few months - while there are exceptions to this rule - it is highly unlikely that you can really know a person in a short amount of time - thus these couples only a few months into their marriage begin wondering if they made a big mistake.

Additionally, people today are entering into marriage with unrealistic expectations such as, if you are my soulmate we should never disagree, and my spouse should be able to meet all my needs.

No great civilization has ever survived without marriage and family.

Marriage does matter to our country.

Perhaps people would think more highly of marriage if they were more successful at it. Maybe we ought to encourage couples to slow down and do those things we know can help them be successful in their marriage over the long haul like - taking at least a year to really get to know one another before they commit to each other and taking a premarital education class to learn the skills to help them have a healthy marriage.

Are you Askable?

2010-10-13T20:00:00.000-04:00

Where did I come from? What is sex? How did that baby get in that lady's tummy? Why does her bottom look different than mine?

AWKWARD!

For many parents, these are show stopping questions that make their face turn red and cause them to be at a loss for words. Isn't it interesting that you the parent, the one who has been charged with raising a precious child can have no idea where to begin a discussion about this topic and yet the media and a bunch of people who don't even know your child feel very free to speak about sex and to give advice to your child?

Whether we like it or not, if we don't step up to the plate and talk to our kids about sex and what a healthy relationship looks like, somebody will and it might just be someone who doesn't have very good intentions.

October is national Let's Talk month. Parents are encouraged to either begin or continue conversations with their children about sex and healthy dating relationships. Research shows that in spite of eye rolling and statements like, "This is so embarrassing" young people do want to hear from their parents about these issues.

For tips on talking with your child about sex and healthy dating relationships visit our website.

Chattanooga's Great Date Night

2010-09-02T13:14:00.001-04:00

Chattanooga's Great Date Night is coming October 5th to the Chattanooga Convention Center from 6:45 pm to 9:00 p.m. Go to firstthings.org to get your FREE tickets! Great door prizes including cruises, weekend getaways, free Chik-fil-A, and more! You must be present to win!!!

A Marriage Getaway

2010-07-15T19:24:00.001-04:00

Jay and I recently had the opportunity to experience a marriage adventure with three other couples. The intent of the week was to rest, relax and rejuvenate our marriage.

We ate, swam, snorkeled, slept until we wanted to get up, went to bed when we were tired, ate, read, told stories, laughed a lot, played games, talked and there were times when you could catch us actually doing nothing! Did I mention that we ate? :-) There was lots of time to reconnect with your spouse. We spent time in prayer and had marriage devotions every evening.

Let me tell you what we didn't do. We didn't watch television at all for an entire week nor did we get on the computer and for the majority of the time our cell phones were in the off position and stowed away so we weren't tempted to check email or make phone calls. We really didn't talk about work or seek to solve the problems of the world.

We watched the sun set and sometimes we got to see a beautiful sunrise.... We were in awe of God's creation.

It really was great romantic adventure

I think we sometimes don't believe it is really all that important to get away and focus on our marriage, especially when children come along and life gets crazy. The reality is if we want to stay connected as a couple, time away is a necessity. It doesn't have to be an entire week, it could be a weekend and it doesn't have to cost a ton of money. My gut tells me if couples invested more time in making sure they stay connected we would see fewer marriages end up on the rocks.

Here's to more romantic getaways!

Life is Tough Sometimes

2010-06-23T21:15:00.000-04:00

This is our sweet Rozee sleeping on her pillows in the family room.

Ashley with Rozee at Christmas.

Today we had to put Rozee to sleep. :-( When Ashley was 4 she picked Rozee out to be her puppy. Back in the day Rozee could catch a Frisbee in mid air and fetch two tennis balls at one time returning to her master with both tennis balls in her mouth. That was quite a sight! One time she went to school with Ashley to show off her talent in front of all the kids. They LOVED her.

Rozee was infamous for going totally crazy when my husband came back through the door - even if he had only been gone for a few minutes. She would dance around in circles and jump up and down until he took her outside to play.

She tolerated many dress up sessions with Ashley and allowed her picture to be taken in some pretty funny outfits!

We always joked that if anybody tried to break in the house Rozee would lick them to death!

At age 13 Rozee had definitely slowed down, but she still liked her morning walk and never wanted to be left behind if she thought people were headed outside to play.

So, today was a very sad day for our family. However, we have a lot of great memories of her that will last a lifetime. She was a wonderful member of the family!

Freedom Costs

2010-05-31T07:17:00.000-04:00

Sitting here this morning thinking about how blessed I am to live in a free country. We live in an amazing place. Yesterday during our worship service was devoted to honoring those who have served and those currently serving to protect our freedom. It was very emotional.

Last night we watched a fantastic Memorial Day concert on PBS. So many amazing stories of service and sacrifice. My heart hurt as I thought about all the families impacted by loss suffered due to war.

I pray I never take for granted the life I get to live thanks to our military.

Thank you to all the men and women who have served and are serving and thank you to the families who do their own tour of duty when a loved one is deployed.

A Day on the Set of Courageous

2010-05-24T20:33:00.000-04:00

I spent the day on the set for the new movie from Sherwood Pictures (the creators of Fireproof). I can sum it up in one word, AMAZING! Courageous is set for release in 2011 and trust me, you won't want to miss it! The actors were impressive and the cinematography was incredible.

Our morning devotion was by the Voices of Mobile. They were fantastic!
Then Stephen Kendrick gave us an update on the movie and talked with us about the scene they would be shooting this morning.

This afternoon we ate lunch at Pearly's, an Albany landmark. YUM! We toured through the sports complex that the church has built for the community to use. Absolutely incredible. We headed back to the set to spend some time with the cast and crew and then it was off to the church to see some clips from the movie. All I can say is WOW!!!!! Action packed, good humor and storylines we can all related to. I cannot wait for this movie to be released. You can find out more at www.courageousthemovie.com and you can "like" the movie at facebook.com/courageousthemovie

Social Justice Issue

2010-05-02T19:00:00.001-04:00

I think teen pregnancy is perhaps one of the greatest social injustices of our time.

In Hamilton country 690 teen girls became pregnant in 2007. While Tennessee is one of the few states that continues to see a decrease in teen pregnancies, there are still far too many teens getting pregnant.

A recent study published by the Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy indicates that:
a child born to a teen mothers has a 27 percent chance of growing up in poverty. If the teen mother is not married at the time of the birth of the child, which most of them are not, the chances of the child growing up in poverty increase to 42 percent. If the teen mother does not graduate from high school or get her GED (Two-thirds of teen moms do not graduate from high school) the child will likely spend 64 percent of his life in poverty.

In contrast - if none of these things happen, a child's chances of growing up in poverty is only 7 percent.

Playing around with sex is like playing with fire, except the person playing fire isn't the only one who gets burned. We have a lot of babies raising babies. This is a huge problem.

I think the best news is there are things we can do to make a difference.

Teens can break the cycle and choose abstinence.

Parents can talk to their teens about the real facts surrounding teen pregnancy. For example,
8 out of 10 teen fathers do not marry the mother of their child.

Sarah Brown, CEO of the National Campaign encourages parents to engage their teens in conversation about the following:
Babies don't cement a relationship, they often put tremendous stress on them.
Babies need to be raised by adults, not children who are still trying to figure things out.
If it happens, it happens is no way to begin a family!

As parents we really have a responsibility to talk with our kids about these issues - even when it feels awkward and uncomfortable and they complain. They may seem smart, but the truth is when it comes to life issues they still need a tremendous amount of guidance.

Raising children in this day and age in more complicated than ever! As a mom of a 17-year-old I am constantly aware of all the craziness of the culture and the messages that are being sent about sex and dating. My goals have been to make sure she has accurate information so she can make wise decisions and to help her see how her decisions today will impact her tomorrow and for years to come.

There are a number of great websites with helpful information. Talk to friends , The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy and Live on Point

Prom - How Times Have Changed

2010-04-23T18:30:00.001-04:00

I remember prom when I was in high school. All the girls anxiously waited to see if someone was going to ask them to prom because if you didn't have a date you didn't go.

This year as prom time rolled around, our daughter started talking about the pros and cons of going with a date to the prom. The conversations went something like, "If someone asks you and you say yes then people assume you "like" this person and you are dating. Also, that means you are stuck with one person for the entire evening - like you have to entertain them. I think I would rather go with some friends and be able to just enjoy the evening."

So, that is exactly what she and a couple of her friends did. They made reservations for dinner at a nice restaurant. My husband was their chauffeur for the evening. He dropped them off for dinner. Picked them up when they called and delivered them to the prom. When prom was over he took them to an after-party and then onto Krispy Kreme for hot donuts!

I love that it was an option for her to just go with some good friends and have a great time. Based on all the chatter afterwards I am pretty certain she will carry fun memories of her prom night into the next chapter of her life.

The Empty Nest

2010-04-13T18:46:00.008-04:00

Our daughter is getting ready to graduate from high school. In the last month or so I have been asked questions like, "How are you doing with all this?" or "Are you guys ready for the empty nest?"

Truth be told I think we are doing pretty well. There are a lot of things we intentionally decided to drop or not do when our daughter was born. I think both of us are looking forward to picking up some of those things and investing more time in some newer interests like sailing.

I'm sure things are going to be very different and it will be an adjustment. Guaranteed the house will be much quieter and my husband won't be walking around behind our daughter reminding her to pick up her shoes, books, purse and various other things and take them to her room. But - - I think we are going to be okay.

When our daughter was a newborn a wise friend told us to be sure to take good care of our marriage because even though there would be days when we thought 18 would never come, it would arrive and we would be back to just the two of us. Lately I've been asking myself where the time went and I'm glad we heeded her advice.

So for all you guys who are already emptynesters, what's your best advice?

Are you a Happy Wife?

2010-04-05T18:30:00.001-04:00

The other day I ran across this website, happy wives club. I am definitely a happy wife. In this day and age when we mostly hear about how unhappy people are it was refreshing to run across this site.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that my husband and I never have disagreements or tough times. I'm just saying overarchingly I am a happy wife. I think part of it is my mindset, but I give a lot of credit to my husband who is very intentional about taking good care of our relationship. That is a real blessing.

Are you a happy wife?

Oscar Night and Sandra Bullock

2010-03-10T19:00:00.001-05:00

I have to confess that I don't usually watch the awards shows, but this past Sunday I watched the Oscars. I was really pulling for Sandra Bullock to win an award for The Blind Side.

I watched the Barbara Walters special beforehand. In her interview with Bullock, Barbara commented that Sandra's parents were married for a very long time. Then she asked Sandra what she thought her mother would say about her nomination if she were still alive. Sandra responded that her mother would be mortified if there was a tear shed during her acceptance speech. She also said that her mom always worried that her kids would be normal. Her mother encouraged them not to be like everybody else, but to be original. What a gift.

I have to say I thought Sandra Bullock was a class act. Her dress was stunning. Her humility was clearly evident along with her sense of humor. Her acceptance speech was gracious. I loved the way Sandra talked about her mother, how her mom clearly protected her, taught her the importance of hard work, that everybody is important no matter who you are or where you come from and how to love.

I got kind of emotional when they showed her husband looking at her with adoration. You could so clearly see how proud he was of her.

When your children are grown, what do you hope they will say you taught them about life?

Prom Night

2010-03-04T07:43:00.005-05:00

Do you remember prom night? Most people would agree that there have always been crazy things that have happened on prom night. While this night is considered a rite of passage, there are some things that just don't mix well with prom. Alcohol and drunk driving are a given, but what about getting a hotel room? I have racked my brain to try and figure out what good could come from juniors and seniors in high school having a hotel room? The other thing that doesn't work well is not having a real plan for the evening. It's just too easy to follow the crowd when you don't have a plan.

As parents our goal is to help our kids make this a real night to remember, not because of bad things that happen, but because of the great time they had. So, how do we do that?

Be clear about your expectations.

Ask for an itinerary including where they will be, who they will be with and what they plan to do after the prom.

Discuss the risks of drinking/drinking and driving and remind them that if they do this and they get caught chances are good they will lose their license for a year never mind the potential to hurt innocent people in the process.

Consider hosting a prom after party or a midnight breakfast at your house with no alcohol.

Encourage your teen to attend Prom Night 4-1-1 so they don't have a 9-1-1 on prom night.

One of the best ways to show your teens you love them is to set limits and help your teen understand the limits are intended to make sure that the best laid prom plans are played out in a safe environment.

What do you remember about your prom night????

Dads and Daughters

2010-02-25T18:00:00.001-05:00

It was tooo much fun watching all the Dads bringing their daughters to Father Daughter date night at Chick-fil-A. Girls young and old were stylin' as they stepped out on the town with their dad. The looks on their faces were priceless.

Linen tablecloths, long-stem roses for the daughters, and candles on the table set the tone for a great dinner with dad.

Once dads and daughters were seated, someone came and took their order. While they were waiting for their food, there were questions on the table for them to discuss like what is your favorite movie, who is your best friend or who is your favorite athlete and why?

I loved watching the interaction between the girls and their fathers. Many of the them were very young. As they were being seated I watched dads help the girls take off their coats. Then they pulled out the chair for them or helped them get situated in a booth. What a great lesson in how they should expect to be treated by a guy.

I loved hearing all the chatter at the tables. I didn't see dads on cell phones or their Blackberries. They were totally focused on their daughters.

Special memories were made that night that will never be forgotten!

SWEET!!!!!!!

More pictures from Father Daughter Datenight

If you're not loving your spouse, who is????

2010-02-04T18:00:00.000-05:00

So, on a scale of 1-10 (1 being in the pits and 10 being off the charts great) how well are you loving your spouse? I think I would give myself an 8.

Love, Affection and Appreciation

2010-01-31T20:00:00.001-05:00

Can't believe it is February already. The month of the Super Bowl, the Daytona 500 and of course Valentine's Day. For the next couple of weeks we are going to be inundated with ads for spa treatments, romantic dinners, chocolate, flowers and more. This is a good thing, but I wish it weren't just in the month of February. Romance, affection and appreciation are a good thing all year round.

When's the last time you wrote a love letter to your spouse or a note of appreciation to your parents or a friend?

When's the last time you took your spouse out on a date or took the time to sit down with a good friend over a cup of hot tea or coffee?

Whether you are married.... or not, young or old, Valentine's Day could be a great time to kick-off a year of intentional love, affection and appreciation.

At a loss for what to do? Here are a few ideas:

Hand write a love letter - you can actually get a Love Letter kit from www.thinkmarriage.org
Schedule time each day to actually talk with your spouse
Take time to meet a friend for lunch
Tell the people you love "I love you"
Plan a creative date for your spouse - even if you can't afford a babysitter, plan an in-home date
Recreate your favorite date from the past
Purchase a bouquet or a romantic gift basket from Flower Fest and support the work of First Things First

Take time to play with your children
Give your spouse the day off and don't hold it over their head later
Schedule a couple's massage
Take a walk holding hands - research actually shows that a woman's blood pressure goes down when she is holding the hand of her spouse
Do that thing that your spouse has been asking you to do for months
Watch the Super Bowl with your spouse even if you don't like Football, you don't have to say a word, he'll enjoy just sitting should to should with you.

Lets help each other be creative. What would you add to the list???? Lets keep the list PG13 please. :-)

I Love Snow!!!!

2010-01-30T19:58:00.006-05:00

Finally, a real snow. My daughter is almost 17 and this is the first REAL snow storm we have had since she was born. Woo Hoo!!!

I love snow because it forces all of us to slow down. Having worked for a hospital at one time in my life, I know snow makes life crazy for some folks. But, I still think it is nice every once in a while to get an unexpected break...and not because you are sick.

I have talked to people today who lost power or can't get out of their driveway and nobody is really complaining, they're just making the best of it. I think it is times like these that actually bring people together. The other thing I LOVE about snow is it brings out the kid in people. Snowball fights, building a snowman or sledding - nobody gets "too old" to do those things.

Got any good snow stories????

Raising Children

2010-01-22T20:00:00.001-05:00

Yesterday someone shared with me about an elementary age little girl who showed up late to school and she was crying. She wasn't crying because she was late to class. She was crying because she was hungry and she had missed breakfast at school because her bus was late. When her teacher inquired about who helped her get ready in the morning she said no one because her mother never gets out of bed before she leaves for school.

Did you know that a child born and raised outside of marriage will spend an average of 51 percent of his/her childhood living in poverty?

In contrast, a child born and raised by both parents in an intact marriage on average will spend only 7 percent of his/her childhood living in poverty. A child raised by a never married mother is more than 7 times more likely to be poor than a child raised in an intact marriage. (National Longitudinal Survey of Youth 1979 - 2000)

Children who grow up without a father are more likely to drop out of school, become addicted to drugs, have a child out-of-wedlock or end up in prison.

There are many children, black, white and Hispanic, who are essentially raising themselves. When I think about my teenage daughter trying to raise herself - even though she thinks she could totally do it - I know the truth is she isn't ready.

My heart is heavy for our children. Sometimes tackling this issue feels overwhelming, but the reality is First Things First exists to do exactly that.

If we aren't loving and raising our children - who is????

It Takes Teamwork

2010-01-16T17:25:00.004-05:00

Spent the day with my daughter and her team at the Interscholastic Equestrian Association horse show where they took first place. It was very cool to watch these girls give their best individual effort and support each other as a team. Great sportsmanship, lots of encouragement and great team spirit made for a terrific day in spite of rain and cold temps.

They don't ride their own horses at these shows. It can be really intimidating getting on a horse you have never been on before and going over jumps or even doing the flat work. I loved watching our team members give instructions and encouragement to help girls on competing teams who were getting ready to ride our horses.

LOVE the life lessons they are learning from this experience!

Working Mom

2010-01-12T20:30:00.002-05:00

It usually never fails that when I am given a specific topic to speak on like balancing work and family that in the midst of preparing for the talk my life becomes total chaos. My friends would tell you I am pretty organized and usually have a plan, but there are times....like last week when the weather was freezing cold, snow was predicted and predictability went out the window...that the best laid plans didn't mean diddly.

There have been times in my life when that would have made me absolutely crazy, but I think the years have mellowed me a bit. (There might be some people that would argue with that statement.) Or, maybe I was just too tired to fuss. Really, I do think one thing I have learned over time is that life is too short to get all rung out over things you can't do anything about or that really don't matter in the long run. My theme has become adapt and adjust. Don't tell me what we can't do, lets figure out what we can do with what we have.

That has freed me up to focus on the things I consider most important in my life.

For example, I love spending time with my family. I also enjoy a clean house. Instead of feeling like things have to be spotless before I can relax, I am willing to go for tidy and clean for the most part. I admit there are times when I look at a closet that needs to be cleaned out or a stack of photographs that I have been wanting to put in a scrapbook and I feel this sense of frustration, but I remind myself that when our daughter is off at college and my husband is off playing golf or something there will be time to clean out the closets and put together a scrapbook.

I have this sense that we women put WAY too much pressure on ourselves to do WAY too much and in the end when mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy, which makes home a pretty miserable place to be for everybody.

What are your secrets for balancing work and family?

Snow In??

2010-01-07T21:27:00.003-05:00

Nothing like a little snow to put us Southerners in compete pandemonium!

Totally cracks me up, you just mention the word snow around here and people go into panic mode. Truth be told, it does look like travel tomorrow could be a little tricky.

Now that you've been to the store to get your bread and milk, what is your favorite thing to do as a family when you are snowed in? Board games, jigsaw puzzle, watch a good movie????

Michael Oher and The Blind Side

2010-01-03T21:25:00.003-05:00

I watched 20/20 the other night to hear the real story behind The Blind Side. I loved the movie and read the book over the Christmas break. I am intrigued by this story. I know there are people all over the country who take kids in and try to help them have a better life. What I think is amazing about this story is how hard everybody worked to help Michael be successful...including Michael. He didn't look for someone to just hand him everything, he worked like crazy.

Why do you think some people are able to respond to opportunities like this while others walk away from it and get right back into the situation they were taken out of?

Christmas Memories

2009-12-20T19:25:00.003-05:00

When I was 9 years old my family moved from Texas to Tennessee. I had heard that it snowed in Tennessee so I very excited about the possibility of a white Christmas even though my parents told me numerous times not to count on it.

My grandmother flew in from Texas to spend Christmas with us. Christmas Eve night I got up in the middle of the night and looked out the window to see if it had snowed. After about the fifth time getting up, my grandmother told me to get back in bed and forget about the snow.

Christmas morning we woke up to nine inches of snow. It was AWESOME!!!!! Santa had come and left presents under the tree, but we didn't care. My brother, sister and I spent the entire day outside sledding, having snowball fights and making snow angels.

When we sat down for dinner there were still unopened presents under the tree. The snow was the best Christmas present ever!!!

I'm hoping for a white Christmas this year! :)

What about you? What are your favorite Christmas memories?

Tiger Woods and Marriage

2009-12-04T20:00:00.000-05:00

I have been following with some interest the Tiger Woods saga. Interesting that there is probably just as much finger pointing at him as there is defending of him.

This whole thing has made me very thoughtful. The reality is all of us are very vulnerable to stumbling. If you think you have the world by the tail when it comes to your marriage or life in general - WATCH OUT! This world is filled with temptations. Just one choice in a weak moment could change your life forever.

This is why I think it is critically important for individuals and couples to surround themselves with people who will hold you accountable and help you make wise decisions. When you are an island unto yourself it is easy to convince yourself that "you'll just do it this one time" or that "nobody will ever find out." TRUTH always comes out sooner or later. And it usually doesn't just impact one person, there is often a very painful ripple affect that impacts many innocent people.

I heard an interview with attorney Laurie Puhn about this situation. I thought she said something worth repeating..."a man is as faithful as his character is strong." I think this is true for all of us.

I saw the beautiful picture of Tiger and his family. On the surface they look like they have it all. Underneath the surface I know these people are imperfect human beings who struggle just like the rest of us.

I am sad that Tiger did what he did. I am hopeful that with help the Woods can come out of this with a stronger marriage.

Do you know someone who is struggling in their marriage because of an affair? With help marriages can not only survive an affair, they can emerge stronger and better. There are intensives across this country offering help to wounded marriages. For more information about surviving an affair or the intensives click the highlighted words. You can also visit the Beyond Affairs Network website.

The Blind Side

2009-11-25T20:00:00.001-05:00

Last weekend we went to see The Blind Side. What a great movie! I walked away with my head spinning. There were so many good messages and reminders in the movie.

I loved that this family was not afraid to take this young man in even though he didn't look like them and they were ridiculed by others for doing it. They took Michael in because it was the right thing to do.

I cried when Michael walked into his very own bedroom and told his adopted mom, "I've never had one before." She responded, "What, a room to yourself?" To which he replied, "No, a bed."

Once again, I was reminded of how blessed I am. I have never wanted for a bed to sleep in. I may have missed a meal or two, but it was probably more about losing weight than about not having food to eat.

My family has been there to support me through thick and thin - something I think you don't fully appreciate until you are grown and have a family of your own.

If you are looking for something to do over the Thanksgiving weekend, consider going to see the movie. It was a great reminder that even when things are chaotic and challenging, I have so much to be thankful for.

I am surrounded by many people who make my life rich and adventurous. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

To Those Who Serve

2009-11-11T12:48:00.003-05:00

Last night I was traveling home from Charleston, South Carolina. While walking to the gate for my connecting flight in Atlanta, I encountered many men and women serving in our military. I had the opportunity to say thank you to many of them for their service to our country. What a blessing!

It was really overwhelming to think that they have sacrificed and served on my behalf. Pretty incredible. We live in an amazing country filled with many many wonderful people.

To all of our veterans, THANK YOU! You are our heroes!!!! God bless you and your families.

Creative Anniversary Celebrations

2009-10-29T21:00:00.000-04:00

What's the most creative way you have ever celebrated your anniversary?

Lets keep this PG please! :)

Celebrating Our 20th!

2009-10-27T21:00:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow my husband and I will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. Both of us consider it a huge deal since we both come from homes of divorce.

To celebrate, I surprised him this past weekend with a getaway to a friend's cabin. It was GREAT!!!! Saturday morning we actually slept in 'til 9:30 - something we haven't done in the 20 years we've been married. We spent the day not doing much of anything, but we did talk a lot about the people who have helped us get to where we are today in our marriage.

We have been very fortunate to be surrounded by a group of family and friends who have walked this road with us through job transitions, the birth of our child, brain surgery, family illness and exciting accomplishments. Some of these people have been with us from the day we walked down the aisle. Others have come along more recently, but ALL of them have held us accountable, encouraged us, laughed and cried with us, prayed with us and helped us to navigate this road.

There is no question that even the best of marriages can be challenging. My husband and I both agreed that trying to do marriage by yourself can be treacherous. While we have made some mistakes, we think we have been spared from making huge blunders by watching the examples of those who have been married significantly longer than us.

Who is walking along side your marriage?

Conversations between parents and teens

2009-10-13T21:00:00.000-04:00

Loved, loved, loved all the comments about talking to your teens about dating and healthy relationships.

October is Let's Talk month, a month set aside nationally to encourage parents to talk with their teens about issues such as sex and healthy dating relationships.

As a parent, if you have experienced the eye rolling, exasperated looks and statements like, "I already know all that!" you may be surprised to learn that the majority of teens DO want to talk with their parents about these issues. According to a new publication by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unwanted Pregnancy, teens say that parents most influence their decisions about relationships - more than friends, the media, other family members, or even their own boy or girlfriend.

If this is a conversation you are uncomfortable having with your teen, there is a great piece called Relationship Redux: Tips and Scripts for Talking to Your Kids about Relationships, published by the National Campaign that I think you will find very helpful.

Here are a few statistics you might find interesting:

One in five teens who have been in a serious relationship say they have been hit, slapped, or pushed by a partner; one in four girls say their boyfriend has tried to prevent them from spending time with friends or family; and one in four teen girls say they have been pressured to go further than they wanted.

One in five teens say they have electronically sent or posted online nude or semi-nude photos or videos of themselves.

Thirteen percent of same-age relationships among those aged 12-14 include sexual intercourse. If the partner is just two years older, that number doubles: 26 percent of the relationships include sex. If the partner is three or more years older, 33 percent of the relationships include sex.

Let's Talk

2009-10-07T08:40:00.003-04:00

I'm just curious how many of you parents of teens have had a conversation with them about relationships and dating?

If you have had conversations like this, what do you think are the most important topics to cover?

Love and Respect in Relationships

2009-09-28T19:04:00.004-04:00

Well, I don't think folks liked my previous blog post very much.

That question was actually posed to a random sample of 400 men. Eighty-two percent of those surveyed said they would rather be alone and unloved in the world than disrespected. I thought that was really interesting.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect and Cracking the Communication Code has spent a lot of time looking at the issue of love and respect in men and women.

Bottomline - women want to be loved and men want to be treated with respect. You may be saying....and..... your point? Well, because men and women see things so differently, when conflict enters into a relationship things can get really tricky.

Generally speaking, when a woman feels unloved she responds with disrespect and when a guy feels disrespected he usually acts in ways that are unloving. The conversation goes something like... (Guy)"I'll love you when you treat me with respect." (Girl) "I'll treat you with respect when you love me."

Based on lots of experience with couples across the country, Eggerichs knows that this back and forth between spouses often leads to what he refers to as "the crazy cycle."

For example: A woman tells her husband she feels fat and needs to go on a diet. He happens to be at a bookstore picking up a newspaper when he sees a best-selling diet book. He buys it thinking he is helping his wife to accomplish her goal to lose weight. When he gives the book to her, she goes ballistic accusing him of being insensitive and they jump on the crazy cycle.

Truth be told, if her best girlfriend had purchased that book for her and suggested that they work the plan together, the response would have been completely different.

Dr. Eggerichs and his wife Sarah are coming to Chattanooga on October 9 and 10th to present the Love and Respect conference.

They will talk about why two good-willed people negatively react to each other; how two people can positively motivate each other by doing one simple thing and the rewards of a Godly marriage and what a person can do if personal expectations are unmet by a spouse.

For more information about the conference click here.

I am curious to know what you think about the whole love and respect concept.

Love or Respect?

2009-09-26T15:30:00.001-04:00

Would you rather be left alone and unloved in the world or viewed as inadequate and disrespected by everyone?

Truth about Marriage and Family

2009-09-25T17:18:00.003-04:00

Last night First Things First had its largest fundraiser of the year. It was amazing. Michael O'Brien played for a sold out crowd! He was AWESOME. You can hear him at www.michaelo.com.

We showed this video and people LOVED it! Soooo, I thought I would share it with you. Out of the mouths of babes comes real truth about marriage.

A Fresh Look at Marriage

Can you Say D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T?

2009-09-17T23:15:00.000-04:00

Absolutely unbelievable were the words coming out of my mouth as I watched Serena throw a temper tantrum on the court.

I did not hear the President's speech on healthcare, but I was quite shocked when I heard a Senator yelled out in the middle of it.

Then to top it all off Kanye West jumps up on stage and takes the microphone away from Taylor Swift to tell everybody that Beyonce really had the best female video.

I have had to ask myself, "What is this world coming to?" What happened to manners and respect even when you don't agree?????

If I had done any of these things....even in my adult years, my mother would have had my head.

My husband and I have spent a lot of time and energy teaching our daughter to be respectful even when someone does not deserve it or you don't like what they are saying.

Living in a civil society means that "Anything does NOT go." There are certain things you just don't do.

I hope there were a lot of dinner table conversations with kids about these three examples of inappropriate behavior. Otherwise, we have a lot of young people who are going to assume that anything goes.......

Your thoughts?

Living Together - The good and the bad

2009-08-31T21:30:00.002-04:00

WOW! Clearly this is a hot topic with lots of emotion attached to it.

A few weeks ago I attended an international conference on marriage and family. One of the plenary sessions featured a conservative, religious, older guy, Dr. Scott Stanley, and a young, feminist, liberal woman, Dr. Galena Rhoades, discussing the latest research on living together. While some of their findings probably won't surprise you, there were several things that were thought-provoking.

Just in case you are wondering: Four to five percent of US households are cohabiting and sixty to seventy percent of couples live together before marriage.

When couples were asked why they chose to live together before getting married, the most popular answer was so they could spend more time together. I thought it was very interesting that most of the couples said they believed in the institution of marriage. BUT many of them are really questioning whether or not they can actually make marriage work over the long haul.

One of the most eye-opening findings was the fact that most people who live together don't realize that once you start living together it makes it much more difficult to break up. Things like signing a lease together, getting a dog, and/or having a child together are all things that anchor the relationship and make breaking up much more complicated. It is harder to walk away even though you may be over the relationship and ready to move on. So, some people marry the person they are living with knowing this really isn't the person I would choose to marry.

The other thing that struck me was the differences in how men and women view cohabitation. When researchers asked couples to talk about how they decided to live together, one couple responded like this - she said, "He was moving to my city and we were already engaged so it made financial sense for us to move in together." He said, "To give the relationship a chance to become very serious. To see if we can live together." Hummmmm. Seems like if you are engaged your relationship is already serious. Clearly they were not on the same page.

Studies indicate that men actually value marriage more than women, but when asked about living with someone prior to marriage, men are more likely to say they feel trapped or that they are living with this woman while they are still waiting for their soulmate to come along.

Bottomline, whether you are religious or not, living together before marriage doesn't appear to have great outcomes. While there are definitely exceptions to this rule, overarchingly living with someone before you marry them does not seem to build a strong foundation for a great marriage. The only exception is if you are engaged and have a date set for your wedding. Even then, research shows that it isn't the best way to get your marriage off to a great start.

Many people think that it is only conservative, religious, narrow minded people who think cohabiting is a bad idea. Actually, if you look at the credible research on cohabitation from the University of Denver, Bowling Green State University and The University of Texas to name a few, you would be hard pressed to make that case.

Dr. Stanley wrapped up the plenary session by asking this question: Is cohabitation a pathway that will get you what you are hoping for - love that lasts with one person?

Living Together

2009-08-27T19:30:00.001-04:00

What are your thoughts about living together before marriage? Do you think it helps or hurts the relationship? Do you think it makes a difference if the couple is engaged before they live together?

Tell me what you think.

What Does Success Look Like?

2009-08-14T08:45:00.004-04:00

Not long ago I heard a fantastic talk given by a guy named Andy Andrews. I had never heard of him before, but he said he had written a book called The Traveler's Gift so I decided to read it.

WOW!!!!!! Once I started reading, I could not put the book down, which was scary because I was traveling on a plane to give a presentation and really needed to be focused on my talk.

When I finished, my head was swimming with all kinds of thoughts about my life and the impact I am having on others.

Do yourself a favor and take the time to read this book. I think it has the potential to be transformational.

In the book, Mr. Andrews takes David Ponder back in time to meet with historical characters to consider seven decisions that determine personal success. Responsibility, seeking wisdom, serving others, being a person of action and having a decided heart are just a few of the things Ponder is given to think about.

Whether you are single, married, a parent, boss, employee, friend, etc. this book addresses things we all should be thinking about.

Check out Andy Andrews' website

Back to School Already????

2009-08-11T08:25:00.006-04:00

I cannot believe the summer is over. It seems like just yesterday the kids were getting out of school. So here we are at the time when I think most people believe the new year really begins.

Not long ago I had a conversation with some teachers asking them what they wished parents knew about making the school year great. I thought you might be interested in some of the things they shared with me.

Be informed - read information sent home by teachers. Don't be afraid to ask questions. If your school has a website, check it out frequently. You are the best advocate for your child.

Be responsible - stay on top of permission slips that need to be signed. Attend parent/teacher/student conferences, even when your child is in high school this is important.

Be a good role model - your child is watching your every move. Show respect for school rules - even if you don't agree with them.

Be reasonable - if you want to meet with a teacher, schedule a time to do so instead of trying to catch them in the hall between classes.

If your child is sick keep him/her home from school - enough said.

Encourage good homework habits - help your child learn how to manage his/her homework. Resist the temptation to do it for him/her.

Keep your teacher informed - talk to your child's teacher about anything that may impact your child's performance or behavior at school. If your child is dealing with grief, divorce, nervousness over an upcoming event, this is helpful and important information to share with the teacher.

Express appreciation - teachers work to inspire their students to be lifelong learners. They often spend long hours preparing and planning to make the classroom environment conducive to learning and a great experience for our children. Saying "thank you" would be a good thing!

Here's to a terrific school year!!!

A Celebration

2009-07-29T07:58:00.002-04:00

Last night I didn't know whether to cry or jump up and down with extreme joy. I spoke with my friend whose husband has been in Afghanistan and she told me he would be arriving in the US today!!!!! She does not get to see him until Monday, but just knowing he is safe and close by is such a relief.

I honestly think that being there for my friend and having the privilege of praying for all of them has been one of the greatest experiences of my life. I have often prayed for our military and the leaders of our country, but to hear up close and personal the day by day struggles, the sacrifices made, or to receive a call early in the morning asking for prayer for a family that just received word their loved one won't be coming home, shed a whole different light on what it means for these people to serve our country.

The two words that come to my mind are: extreme sacrifice.

I am so thankful for the men and women and their families who serve. While I have walked this road with my friend, my eyes have been opened to the fact that we have a group of people in harms way that we need to pray for and support, but we also have a group of people (families) serving right here who make it possible for these men and women to go off to a foreign land.

I am a bit surprised at how emotional I have been the last 12 hours. It has been an amazing journey. I understand that a unit from Georgia has replaced this unit that is arriving home. I have already started praying for them.

I pray that we all will be grateful and never forget or take for granted the sacrifices that have been made on our behalf.

Dangerous Liaisons

2009-07-27T21:00:00.002-04:00

Every time I turn around it seems like I am hearing about another person in the middle of an affair.

In this morning's paper I read an article that quoted a psychologist saying that he is surprised that there are not more political figures having affairs.

Dr. Farley, former president of the American Psychological Association, said he thinks that many elected politicians are in a sense wired for such mischief through personalities built for risk taking and dealing with uncertainty. See article here.

So is there anything couples can do to help affair-proof their marriage?

The answer is YES!

Dave Carder recently spoke at the International Smart Marriages Conference in Orlando, Florida. He has written several books about infidelity including Torn Assunder and Close Calls.
During his presentation he talked about "Close Call Friendships." His talk was outstanding so I thought I would share some of the points he made.

Infatuation is an incredibly powerful drug. People don't think in their right mind when they are infatuated with something.

Any relationship with potential for quick chemistry is dangerous.

There is nothing wrong with platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex, but you need to have strong boundaries. When people come together around the same interests and passion it can be dangerous.

Beware of individuals from your past - old girlfriends/boyfriends. You never forget adolescent romance - which is why people often get into trouble when they go to high school and college reunions or get on Facebook and search for old flames.

Here are the danger signs for a close call friendship:

You save topics of conversation for someone other than your spouse.
You share spousal difficulties with this person. For example - "You're a woman, help me understand how my wife works."
Your friend shares relationship difficulties with you.
You anticipate seeing this person more than your spouse - this is a sign you are already sliding sideways. Keep in mind that you see your spouse at the 2 worst times of day - first thing in the morning when things tend to be chaotic and in the evening when you are trying to get dinner ready, homework done and you are tired from the day.
You are more concerned about your friend than your spouse.
You provide special treats for your friend.
You fantasize about marriage with this friend.
You spend more alone time with your friend than with your spouse.
Your spouse does not have access to all of the conversations you are having with this person - email, texting, in person, etc.
You spend money on this friend behind your spouse's back.
Conflicts arise between you and your spouse over this friendship.
You lie to your spouse in order to spend time with this friend - ie. You go into work an hour before you really need to be there in order to see your friend.
You hide interactions with your friend from your spouse. For example, "Don't smile at me when you see me at church, my husband is watching."
You accuse your spouse of jealousy when the friendship is brought up.
You develop special rituals with your friend that are highly anticipated by both parties. When the rituals don't happen there is great disappointment.
Your friend shares his/her feelings or touches you, which creates an inward response.
You have conversations with your friend that include sexual content.
You participate in corporate travel with your friend - also known as corporate dating - You participate in business travel where meals, alcohol, entertainment are involved and you are staying at the same hotel.

A bunch of us were sitting around at the conference talking about all of this craziness and here is the slogan we came up with:

Don't come a knockin' my marriage is a rockin'!!!!!!

Would love to know your thoughts......

Watch Out for Flying Cows!!!!

2009-07-20T19:30:00.000-04:00

This was the scene at Coolidge Park on Saturday night as families gathered to watch the Wizard of Oz as part of First Things First's Movies in the Park series. Chick-fil-A partnered with us to do a cow drop. A crowd of approximately 6500-7000 watched as 750 little Mini-moo Chick-fil-A cows with parachutes came flying in from a helicopter. There was almost no wind and it was an exceptionally beautiful evening, for which I am VERY thankful. This was a huge hit with the kids!!!!

I love Movies in the Park because it brings to life so much of what First Things First espouses when it comes to building strong families. We see families from all walks of life show up hours before the movie starts to enjoy a picnic and fun time in the park. There is an awesome fountain for kids to play in and a large expanse of green grass where kids can be seen chasing their parents, playing catch or participating in a great game of tag.

When the movie starts I see kids nestled in the laps of their parents or families huddled on a blanket. There are usually a lot of teens who come to the park on a date. One time a group of college kids brought their couch along so they could watch the movie in total comfort. :)

In a day and time when families are often going in lots of different directions I love hosting an event that brings them together for an evening of relaxation and fun.

I am incredibly grateful to Chattem, Comcast, Sunny 92.3, Geico (Chattanooga office), City of Chattanooga Parks and Recreation, The Chattanooga Times Free Press, Chick-fil-A and Lifeguard Ambulance for making it possible for us to provide this opportunity to our community for FREE!!!!

We are always on the look out for creative ways to bring families together. Do you have any good ideas?????

More Adventures in Motherhood

2009-07-16T17:09:00.003-04:00

Last week I attended a conference in Orlando, Florida. My daughter had planned to go with me. Since she is a new driver I thought it would be a great idea for us to drive rather than fly so she could get some good interstate driving time under her belt.

Since it would take about 8-9 hours to get to our destination, I figured we could just split the driving. We set out Sunday morning bright and early (like 6:30 am early). I drove the first leg of our journey since I am much more of a morning person than she is. When we stopped for lunch I reminded her not to eat anything too heavy since she would be taking over at the wheel.

We get back in the car and head down the interstate. I think we had been on the road about 45 minutes when she started talking about how tired she was and that I probably needed to take over. I'm thinking to myself, "Is this the same child that just a few months ago was begging me to go with her here and there just so she could drive the car????? Fortunately for her, I needed a bathroom break. When I came back from the restroom guess who was in the passenger seat smiling?????

So much for my best laid plans. I ended up driving the rest of the way, which actually turned out to be a good thing because people were driving like maniacs on the Florida Turnpike.

Nine days pass and we are heading home.....I inform my daughter that I'm not falling for the same trick on the drive home :)

We get an early start and stop around 10:30 at Chick-fil-A to take a break. As we are getting back in the car, out of habit I head for the driver's side and then I remember, wait a minute, it's her turn to drive. Before she can get in the passenger side I run around and jump in. She gets a big grin on her face and says, "Darn, I was hoping you would forget." Ha! I am on top of things this time. She ends up driving from Albany into Atlanta and does a really good job. We stop for lunch and I drive the rest of the way home.

The bonus for me was getting to spend a ton of really good time with my daughter even if I did do most of the driving. We laughed, talked about some serious stuff and just enjoyed each other's company. It is times likes these I treasure the most.

Fourth of July

2009-07-02T16:34:00.002-04:00

As you celebrate Independence Day, hopefully you will take time to talk as a family about the great sacrifices people have made for our benefit, the qualities that make the United States a great place to live, and the responsibilities we all share in keeping this country free. If you have never read the Declaration of Independence, that might be a great place to start. Here are a few more suggestions:

Encourage those who are 18 and older to register to vote;
Remember all of the military who are serving on our behalf and the families they have left behind;
Study our nation's birthplace, Philadelphia;
Have a conversation about the freedoms we share as Americans;
Talk to a military veteran;
Thank employers who make it possible for people to serve in the National Guard and reserves;
Hold an Independence Day Parade in your neighborhood;
Investigate what red, white and blue mean to our country; or
Learn the significance of the stars and stripes on our nation's flag.

Perhaps one of the most important lessons children can learn from this celebration is that with freedom comes responsibility. We all have to learn how to live within limits and be aware of the role we play in maintaining the freedoms we enjoy. Winston Churchill once said, "The price of freedom is eternal vigilance."

Happy Fourth of July!!!!!

Jon and Kate Part II

2009-06-25T17:13:00.004-04:00

Wow! Lots of conversation about Jon and Kate.

There is no question there are a number of different aspects to this situation from unhappiness and infidelity to what is best for the children.

While I am not privy to all of the details of Jon and Kate's situation, having worked in the field of strengthening marriages and families for more than a decade, there isn't much I haven't heard.

So, here are some additional thoughts.

When a spouse is unhappy he/she often blames the marriage or the other person for causing their unhappiness, when in reality there are other things going on. For example, a national study of 10,000 couples asked them to rate their marriage from life in hell (1) to heaven on earth (7). The couples were interviewed twice, five years apart. The study found that most people rated their marriage as happy. Eighty-one percent of the couples who rated their marriage as life in hell were still together five years later. Out of that group, the majority said they were very happy after five years. During the tough times these couples said they were dealing with children, illness, bad things happening to good spouses, job loss, etc. (The Case for Waiting)

Based on my experience, I see many couples willing to throw in the towel on a perfectly good marriage that has just been derailed and needs help getting back on track.

Second, when infidelity is a factor in a marriage, most couples see that as the marriage is over, no questions asked.

According to research, 25 percent of women and 40 percent of men will have an extra-marital affair at some point in their marriage. (Affair-proofing Your Marriage) The good news is there are huge numbers of marriages that don't just survive affairs, they are significantly better than they were before the affair. The key to a marriage surviving an affair lies in its good marital history. If 20 percent of a couple's history is simultaneously viewed as positive by both spouses, they have a better than 90 percent chance of making it. (Can A Marriage Survive an Affair)

Third, there is no debate that divorce impacts children. Even in situations where divorce seems to be the lesser of two evils, children and adults pay a price.

According to Dr. Judith Wallerstein, author of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, "Divorce is a life-transforming experience. After divorce, childhood is different, adolescence is different, adulthood - with the decision to marry or not and have children or not - is different. (The Legacy of Divorce)

Granted, there are some instances, ie. abuse, where divorce seems to be the best answer. But, the reality is only 30 percent of divorces are due to high conflict, abusive situations. Seventy percent of divorces are low-conflict marriages where people become disconnected and fall out of love.

We cannot turn a blind eye to the fact that all involved - dad, mom, children, friends, neighbors, grandparents, co-workers, etc. will be impacted for a life time when a divorce occurs. Therefore, I do not believe that this is a decision that should be made lightly or quickly.

Is Divorce Really Better for the Kids?

2009-06-24T08:47:00.002-04:00

I know people are probably SICK of hearing about Jon and Kate, but I have to put in my two-cents worth. On the last episode they were saying that getting divorced would be better for the kids, that it isn't good for them to see their parents fighting and that everything will be just fine.

Please! This kind of thinking is flat out erroneous and there is TONS of research to back it up. Everything will not be just fine.

While high conflict marriages DO impact children, the reality is these children WILL NOT be better off if their parents divorce.

The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith Wallerstein has 25 years worth of research showing the impact of divorce on children all the way through adulthood. Children are not resilient. They may act tough, but in reality they are very tender.

I will never forget listening to a 10-year-old child ask, "Why did my dad have to quit right in the middle?"

The reality is this marriage can be saved and is worth saving not just for the sake of the children, but for the sake of Jon and Kate.

I wish they had people in their lives that would come along side them and strongly encourage them to seek out additional resources to help get their marriage back on track.

If you know someone whose marriage is derailed encourage them to seek out help from marriage friendly organizations. If you are looking for resources visit www.firstthings.org

Adventures in Motherhood

2009-06-22T13:01:00.003-04:00

A couple of weeks ago I was taking our daughter to get her wisdom teeth out. As I got into her car I smelled cigarette smoke. I think it would be fair to say that I started questioning her fairly intensely about why her car smelled like smoke. She assured me she had no idea. To which I responded, "Well I can just tell you that a car doesn't smell this intensely of smoke unless someone has been smoking in it. I believe that you haven't been smoking. Have you had someone on your car with you?????"

I should back up and tell you that our daughter has had her license for about 3 months and before we allowed her to drive her car she had to sign a contract. The contract included things like no one would be allowed to ride with her at this point without permission and there would be no alcohol or cigarettes allowed in her car.

To make a long story shorter.....

She told her Dad that her car smelled like smoke and that I was upset. He mentioned that it might be the air conditioning filter. In spite of the fact that he used to detail cars and might have some knowledge about this area, I jumped in there saying there is no way that all of the sudden the car is going to start reeking of cigarette smoke.

Yesterday Dad and daughter went to the car parts store and the guys said it was probably her cabin air filter (aka the air conditioning filter) Hummmmm. When they changed it out, the old one REEEEEKED of cigarette smoke. The guy said the previous owner of the car was clearly a smoker and this was one of the worst air filters he had seen.

When they returned home my daughter was very quick to point out that I was WRONG and needed to apologize for not believing her in the first place.

She's right and I did.

While I felt bad about the situation, I don't think it was totally a bad scene. I want her to know that we are paying attention. There are too many times teens get in tough situations with their friends and get coerced into doing something they don't really want to do. I thought this may have been one of times.

I did ask her why she didn't tell us when her car started smelling like smoke. To which she replied, "I didn't want to get in trouble." I explained that letting me just find it on my own made the situation a whole lot more suspicious than if she had come to us and told us her car was smelling funny.

Lesson learned for all involved!

What Makes You Happy?

2009-06-07T10:17:00.004-04:00

Are you happy?

As I was walking this morning, I was thinking about how fortunate I am to be able to get up and walk each morning. The sunrises are magnificent and on any given day I might see deer, rabbit, a coyote or a beautiful flower that has just popped open. I love the peace and quiet and the opportunity to start the new day appreciative of what I have - my health, my family, great friends, a job I am passionate about and so much more.

My walk is more than exercise, it gives me the chance to frame my day and consider all that I have versus what I don't have.

I recently read a book called Gross National Happiness by Dr. Arthur Brooks. After reviewing a great deal of data on the topic of happiness he found something that really surprised him. The things that actually lead to living a happy life are not the things people typically think of like money, having the perfect body or making great grades in school.

The key to happiness is a life that reflects traditional values and practices like faith, hard work, marriage, charitable giving and freedom.

While Americans have become a lot richer in the past several decades there has not been a meaningful rise in the average level of happiness. In 1972, 30 percent of Americans said they were very happy. By 2004, the percent of Americans who said they were happy remained virtually unchanged even though there had been a 50 percent real increase in average income.

People who give money to charitable organizations are 43 percent more likely than non-givers to be happy.

Brooks bottom line is that without proper values, our jobs and our economy will bring us soulless toil and joyless money. Our education will have little meaning and there will be no reason to fight or make peace to protect our way of life.

"The pursuit of happiness is central to everything we do and our values are what make this pursuit possible," said Dr. Brooks.

Now there's something worth thinking about. What brings you happiness?

Memorial Day

2009-05-25T08:48:00.004-04:00

I have a great friend whose husband has been serving our country in Afghanistan for the last nine months. Prior to his leaving and throughout these nine months, I have had the privilege of praying for this family as well as gaining a greater understanding of what it is like to have a husband who is literally battling on the front lines. I can honestly say my eyes have been opened!

There have been times when I have heard the frustration in my friend's voice and I cried over not being able to do more for her (she lives far away). I know she has sleepless nights wondering what is going on thousands of miles away with her husband. Sometimes when I call she says, "I have to call you back, I'm picking up the kids from school and I don't want to be on the phone." She is clearly a great mom and is seeking to keep things as normal as possible for their children.

Today is a special day set aside to honor those who have served and are currently serving our country, but what I have realized over the last year is that I need to be incredibly grateful everyday because great sacrifices are being made both overseas and at home as families try to carry on.

I hope you will take time today and every day to think about and be thankful for all of the amazing freedoms we have as a result of people being will to essentially put their "normal" life on hold to serve you and me and many other people.

Summer is almost here!!!!!!

2009-05-20T16:50:00.003-04:00

I cannot believe that Memorial Day weekend is here, which means summer is just around the corner. WOO HOO!!!!!!! I love summer even though I have to work. :)

There is nothing like home grown tomatoes, watermelon, homemade ice cream, swimming pools and fresh cut flowers from the garden.

We aren't planning any big vacation this summer, but we are looking forward to a little lighter schedule and some fun times hanging out with friends and family.

Are you doing anything fun this summer?

Teen Pregnancy Prevention Month

2009-05-06T07:45:00.004-04:00

May is Teen Pregnancy Prevention Month. If you have been paying attention you know that our teens (all of us for that matter) are bombarded with messages about sex 24/7.

The other day I saw a commercial with a scantily clothed celebrity chef sitting on steps sensually eating a hamburger. Honestly, I felt like I was watching soft porn. It is ridiculous what we are exposed to when it comes to sex. No wonder young people are enthralled with it. Which brings me to my point.

A couple of years ago I was talking to the mother of a teenage boy. I was encouraging her to talk with her son about sex. She said she just couldn't, that her mom didn't talk with her and she turned out okay so she saw no reason to talk with her son. Very sad. Unfortunately, I would not say she is the exception to the rule. This is how many parents think about this issue either because they don't think they have enough information or because they had sex as a teen and don't want to seem like a hypocrite.

Messages about sex are in the media much more now than even 5 years ago. With no guidance from parents, many of our teens are left to draw their own conclusions about sex, relationships and dating from what they see and hear. A tremendous amount of the information is just plain WRONG!

Most teens have no clue that messing around with sex is like playing Russian roulette.

For the month of May, First Things First has partnered with On Point and the Girl Scouts to bring awareness to this issue. We have developed a campaign called Is it the right time? Calling into question are the teen years the right time to be focused on a baby or are there other things like education, sports, friendships, their future, etc that should be occupying their time.

You can visit the website at www.isittherighttime.com We have lots of helpful information for teens. Parents can visit the parent's page on firstthings.org to get tips for talking with your teen about sex, the latest research and other resources.

Please help us spread the word. This is an important issue.

Just out of curiosity, did your parents talk with you about sex and healthy dating relationships?

Living Life Whole-heartedly

2009-05-01T09:18:00.000-04:00

I recently asked you if you were living life whole-heartedly or half-heartedly.

Dr. Shawn Stoever and Greg Smalley wrote a book that is scheduled for release in June about fully engaging your heart in your marriage (The Whole-Hearted Marriage: Fully Engaging Your Most Important Relationship).

They wrote the book because they both found themselves encountering people who were just going through the motions of life without ever engaging their heart.

Shawn was sharing with me that he doesn't think people necessarily make a conscious decision to disengage their heart. It can be the result of many different life circumstances. For example, when he was 9-years-old, his mother died. Shawn's dad was a wonderful father, but he did not know how to talk with his son about his feelings and emotions surrounding the death of his mother. Shawn's response was to stuff everything and kick into survival mode.

It wasn't until he met the woman of his dreams, Christina, who told him if they were going to take the relationship any further she wanted his heart, not just his intellect, that he began to think long and hard about whether he was going to engage his heart and risk being hurt again. While he knew he loved her, this was a huge step - which by the way he did end up taking.

There are a lot of things that can cause people to live life without engaging their heart. The trick is figuring out how to get your heart to open back up in a world that is designed to shut it down.

If you are living life half-heartedly or with no heart at all, here are some suggestions for re-engaging your heart:

Recognize that your heart is important, not just to keep the blood flowing, but to experience joy, laughter, hurt, enthusiasm and other emotions.

Identify those things that rob you of the opportunity to engage your heart, like the death of a parent, lies from the past, fear, friends who have said hurtful things, or compromises you have made. There are literally thousands of reasons people close down emotionally to protect themselves.

Make a conscious effort to re-engage your heart. When your heart is open you can freely give and receive love which leads to the blessing of experiencing life whole-heartedly. If you have no idea how to begin to reconnect with your heart, consider these ideas:

Watch children play or even play with them. Kids naturally live life with their hearts fully engaged.

Intentionally choose a movie that you know will touch your heart and bring forth emotion.
Grab a journal and keep track of your feelings for a week.
Intentionally hang out with people who live life whole-heartedly. Their energy and passion for life is contagious.

Regardless of the path you choose to re-engage your heart, the benefits will be obvious. Relationships, particularly marriage, will have more meaning, feelings will be more accessible
and work may even be more fulfilling. In general, life is more satisfying and enjoyable when your heart is fully engaged.

Living Life Whole-heartedly

2009-04-22T06:27:00.003-04:00

If someone were to describe the way you live life, would they say you live life whole-heartedly, half-heartedly or with no heart at all?

In case you are interested in a definition for each:

Whole-heartedly living life means you are embracing all that life has to offer with energy, passion and enthusiasm.

Half-heartedly embracing life is like hitting a ground ball to second and jogging to first base because you are going to be out anyway.

Living life with no heart is equal to showing up at your job just for the paycheck.

Where do you fall on this continuum?

What have you done for your marriage lately?

2009-04-20T07:11:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I arrived at this beautiful place called WinShape. It is on the campus of Berry College in Rome, Georgia. I think it's about a 3 mile drive to the back of the campus to get to the retreat. This place is amazing. Beautiful scenery (26,000 acres of it), the accommodations are luxuriously rustic and the service is EXCEPTIONAL. There are NO televisions or telephones in the rooms. It is a very peaceful place.

From September to May WinShape serves as a Marriage Retreat. You can come here and do your own self-guided retreat or you can participate in one of the many programs they offer. There are biking and hiking trails and lots of places to just sit and chill out. Did I mention that the food is amazing....as in you don't have to cook.

Are you living life in the fast lane? Do you feel like you and your spouse are like two ships passing in the night? Would a little get away be just what the doctor ordered to reconnect with your spouse? Check our WinShape! www.winshapemarriage.com

What have you done for your marriage lately?

Definition of an Affair

2009-04-15T15:24:00.002-04:00

WOW! Thanks for all the responses!!!!!

In my last post I asked the question, "What constitutes an affair?" I received a number of responses. I think this one encompasses the gist of most of them:

"If you spend time, energy, emotions, romance, and yes, even virtual sex with anyone or anything other than your spouse, it is defined as "an affair". After all, if you are spending those things on someone else, virtual or real, you are robbing from your spouse!"

Enough said!

Two good reads on this topic are, Torn Assunder by Dave Carder and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

What Constitutes an Affair?

2009-04-10T10:03:00.000-04:00

I have a question for you. If you are in a committed dating or marriage relationship, what constitutes cheating?

I just read an article about folks who are jumping into the virtual world of Second Life and basically living a "second life" on line. They have an on-line identity (an avatar) that they can manipulate to look however they want. They can marry someone, have children, have any kind of job they want, etc.

Many of the folks on-line are married in real life, but having "pretend" sex online with an avatar.

So, is this cheating??????

Gardening and Marriage

2009-04-05T21:35:00.006-04:00

This weekend I worked in the yard. Woo Hoo!!!! I pulled so many weeds even my fingernails hurt. Several of us in the neighborhood have gone together to grow a vegetable garden. We spent Sunday afternoon tilling up the garden. While we were tilling we ran across a snake. I would have taken a picture of it for you, but forgot I had my phone in my pocket. Too bad for you. He was a cute little critter.

Working in the yard is like therapy for me. I LOVE digging around in the dirt. But, I have to tell ya, last year I let one of my flower beds go because I just didn't have time to mess with it and this year I AM PAYING FOR IT! It is overgrown and clearing it out is a REAL PAIN!!!!

So why am I telling you all this? Because while I was pulling the begillion (not sure that is a word) weeds, it really made me think about how bad things can get when you don't tend to your marriage or to your kids. Weeds start growing up. If you get to them quickly they don't take over, but if you let time go by looking at all the weeds can be totally intimidating. Sometimes you walk away just because you think, "I can't possibly deal with this." Which only makes things worse in the long run.

Just like weeds and ground cover choke out the beautiful flowers, so unresolved issues and petty arguments choke out love for your spouse and children.

It's spring time. Do you have some weeding to do?

Teen Dating Violence

2009-04-01T11:43:00.004-04:00

Just read a report commissioned by Break the Cycle: Empowering Youth to End Domestic Violence.
Did you know that:

1 in 3 teens will experience some form of abuse in a dating relationship;
teens who suffer from abusive relationships exhibit increased rates of substance abuse, high risk sexual behaviors, eating disorders and suicidal tendencies;
More likely than classmates to bring weapons to school; and
3 times more likely to be involved in a physical fight.

Each state was given a grade for how well prepared they are for dealing with this issue. Tennessee scored a C because it makes protective orders difficult for teens to obtain. If you are under the age of 18, you have to have a parent or a caseworker to file the order for you.

Interested is seeing how your state scored? Check out breakthecycle.org

First Day of Driving

2009-03-30T15:18:00.003-04:00

I have a 16-year-old. I can't believe it. She got her license Friday at 7 am! That evening we took her out for dinner. On the way home, her dad commented that the only driving experience she had not encountered up to this point was having to drive in a torrential downpour.

Saturday she went out to dinner with a friend. Around 9:30 she was ready to head home. Only one problem. Her father and I had been listening to the weather and there were 3 tornado warnings out in the area. We told her to stay put. At 10, the warnings went away so we told her to head home and to BE CAREFUL!

I wish I could tell this story like she told it when she walked through the door, but my interpretation will have to do.

No sooner had she hit the interstate than rain, did I mention torrential rain, started pounding her car. She said as she was driving she was thinking about how thankful she was for whoever invented windshield wipers because hers were going as fast as they could. No one was going more than 25 miles an hour and everybody had their caution lights on. This continued for about 12 miles. She described herself as looking like a little old granny as she tried to see out her windshield.

When she walked through the door she was WIDE EYED as she told us her story. She then proceeded to thank her father for opening his big mouth about the only thing she hadn't done was drive in a downpour........Needless to say, she described this as her most stressful driving experience EVER!

While we weren't thrilled with our daughter being out in the weather, we knew this was a confidence building opportunity. One down...... a million to go.

What You Wish Someone Had Told You

2009-03-27T14:44:00.003-04:00

We have been getting a lot of calls about our premarital education classes from couples planning to marry this spring. I am excited about them coming to our class, but I have to wonder about what is really motivating them. Is it the $60 discount they will receive on their marriage license or the fact that they are confident they are going to receive information that will help them in their marriage????

When we asked one guy what brought him to our premarital education class, he said, "My fiance at gun point." Clearly, he was kidding....at least we think he was. But it was what he said after that that was most striking. He went on to say, "I didn't want to come to this class because I thought it would be the biggest waste of time. Boy, was I wrong. I had no idea what I didn't know about marriage."

If I had a dime for every time I have had a newlywed say to me, "I wish someone had told me....." you fill in the blank, I would be independently wealthy.

So, what do you wish someone had told you before you walked down the aisle? If someone told you something and you didn't listen, but wish you had, that counts as well.

A Little Patience Please

2009-03-18T22:09:00.003-04:00

For the past year I have been chauffeured around by our 15-year-old daughter. Quite frankly, since I have been the passenger and am paying extra close attention to what is going on around us, I think I can safely say she is probably one of the safer drivers on the road. She doesn't take chances making turns. She actually stops when the light turns yellow instead of trying to fly through it. She goes the speed limit - or pretty close to it. She is cautious and careful. There are mountains that we go up and down with lots of curves and steep grades, which she handles well at the speed limit.

In the process of getting her 50 plus hours of driving in before we go to get her license next Friday, I have to tell you we have experienced some really rude and impatient drivers.

Today, as she waited for a couple of cars to go before she made a left turn, you could see the frustration on the face of the driver behind us. As we made the turn, people were clearly looking to see who in the world was driving that car. Could an experienced driver have safely made the turn before the two cars went by? Yes. BUT, I would rather our daughter err on the side of playing it safe than throwing caution to the wind.

Confession: I have probably been one of those impatient drivers. This experience has taught me the rest of the story. I need to practice patience and make sure I am being a good example to teens who are learning the rules of the road.

Spring Break Practical

2009-03-15T16:32:00.003-04:00

We have decided that we are not going anywhere for spring break, but that doesn't mean we aren't going to have fun. So far our plans include sleeping late, riding horses, working in the garden (that would be me), spending some time with grandparents and going on a mystery adventure. Have I mentioned that I am great at keeping a secret? It is KILLING our daughter that I won't even give her a hint. Lovin' that!

Quite frankly I am excited about just hanging around here. Travel is fun, but traffic delays, soft beds with FAT, hard pillows and the hectic time of trying to get it all in sometimes makes me feel like I need a vacation from my vacation. Not to mention the fact that there are a ton of fun things to do close by for FREE. Why spend money when we don't have to?

What are your plans for spring break?

Red Light Running

2009-03-11T08:43:00.002-04:00

I have to get something off my chest!

In the last two days I have been sitting at stoplights getting ready to move because the light has turned green when someone comes flying through the intersection blatantly running the red light.

Our daughter is turning 16 in 16 days. I think she is a good driver for the amount of time she has been on the road, but honestly I am more worried about the other drivers and their driving than I am about her driving.

I told her this morning that the reason she has to learn to be a really good defensive driver is just because you follow the rules of the road does not mean everybody else will.

A couple of months ago I read an article in Reader's Digest about red light runners. When they asked people why they ran red lights the number one response was because they were in a hurry - not they were distracted talking on their cell phone or dealing with children - they knew they were running the red light!

According to the article, studies show that red-light running is on the rise across the country. In a six-year study, the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety found that deadly crashes at red lights increased at more than three times the rate of all other types of fatal auto accidents.

So, slow down and beware. Running a red light is not worth it!

Living Life to the Fullest

2009-03-09T08:46:00.004-04:00

I am lucky enough to be married to a guy who truly loves life. Every day is an adventure with him because I never know when he is pulling my leg, playing a joke on me or actually telling me the truth. I have come to believe this is a very good thing. There are probably some people who look at my husband and think, he just needs to grow up and act like an adult. I, on the other hand, am truly thankful that he is so playful and full of life. He never misses an opportunity to spray our daughter with the hose as they are washing the car together or crack a silly joke as we are driving down the road.

When I look around and see so many stuffy adults leading what look like pretty boring lives I think How sad!

Spring break is right around the corner. I hope all of us will get out of our winter ruts and do some fun stuff with the family. When is the last time you played hide and seek or kickball?

Raising Teens

2009-03-06T14:51:00.002-05:00

How well do you remember your teen years? What were they like? Did you ever lie to your parents? Did your parents trust you? What do you believe has had the most lasting impact on you when it comes to your parents ability to parent?

Last question......for those of you who have children, are you parenting the same way your parents raised you? Why or why not?

Impact of Television on Us

2009-03-04T14:06:00.003-05:00

Gossip Girls, 90210, The Bad Girls Club, Desperate Housewives...What are you and your kids watching?

I just watched an episode of The Bad Girls Club and wanted to throw up. Hair pulling, pushing, shoving, kicking. It looked like a bunch of barbarians.

The sad thing is this is a very popular show with teens. These "bad girls" pride themselves on being this way. In the episode I watched all the girls ganged up on one girl because she danced with a guy while the rest of them sat on the sidelines and sulked. They actually beat her up so badly she had to go to the hospital.

In spite of the fact that a lot of the people say they watch the show for the entertainment value, I wonder if that is all that is happening?

What all of these shows have in common is crazy, messed up relationships. I would expect adults watching these shows to be able to differentiate between the craziness and real life, but for a lot of teens I'm pretty sure they aren't there yet.

I don't believe in sheltering kids from reality, but I do wonder about shows like this and their impact on the way kids decide to deal with problems at school and at home. It seems like every time I turn around I am reading about teens killing their parents, bully other teens and the like. While I would like to believe this is the exception to the rule, with access to so many shows like the ones listed you have to wonder.

Any thoughts on this????? How do you handle television viewing with your kids? How did your parents handle it with you? (If you can remember, tee hee)

Marriage Reality

2009-03-02T13:13:00.003-05:00

I honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read the paper this weekend and saw that Jerry Seinfeld is returning to NBC to produce a "comic" reality series where celebrities and a referee try to help squabbling couples make peace.

Based on what I have seen in Hollywood, I would say there are very few couples I would want giving me advice on how to get my marriage back on track.

I'm sure there will be couples who will go for this, but you seriously have to wonder about the quality of the advice they will receive. It seems like a train wreck waiting to happen. I think it is crazy how the reality shows "use" hurting people for monetary gain and potentially leave them worse off than they were before the show.

Your thoughts?

Self Discipline

2009-02-27T08:01:00.004-05:00

As you can tell from my recent posts, I have been thinking about prom and the costs associated with it.

Yesterday I attended a seminar entitled, Surviving Financial Meltdown: Confident Decisions in an Uncertain World. There were close to 600 people in attendance.

The speaker, Ron Blue, said alot of things that made tremendous sense to me when it comes to money. One of the things he talked about was a four-part financial plan that the average American family could benefit from:

Spend less than you earn
Think long term with goals and investing
Maintain emergency cash
Minimize the use of debt

There were many other great points made throughout the presentation, but here is what I walked away thinking about.

I see so many parents going deep into debt in order to make sure their kids have an over the top prom, a car or some other thing. When we as parents do this what are we teaching our children about money? My guess is our children are learning that you don't really have to have the money in hand before you spend it. Which is somewhat risky because that assumes that the money will be there in the future - and based on the experience of the last 12 months - I don't know that we can bank on that. No pun intended.

I don't want to be preachy. It does weigh heavy on my heart that alot of good kids are learning really bad money management principles.

What are your thoughts about this and what are you teaching your kids about managing money?

Preparing Your Teens for Prom

2009-02-25T16:48:00.006-05:00

Do you remember your prom?

I remember going to the Oak Ridge High School prom at the Civic Center. My mom made my dress. I thought it was beautiful! My date picked me up. We went to prom and came home. It was a pretty fun evening. I don't remember the evening costing an arm and a leg.

How things have changed. In recent years, couples have spent somewhere between $800 and $1,500 on this annual rite of passage with expectations for a great night of fun.

From limos, manicures, and big hair to fancy dresses and tuxes that match not to mention dinner, prom night has come a long way.....or not. While I agree that prom is a rite of passage, I think things have gotten pretty outrageous. I mean $1,500 is A LOT of money.

I am betting that if teens really put their mind to it, they could get very creative with their spending for prom.

Blink and the 2009 prom season will be here. So now is the time to start thinking about how much you are willing to fork out for this event. If you are planning on your teen paying for half or all of the prom expenses some advance warning will be helpful since they typically don't think past tomorrow.

Looking for some creative ways to cut back on prom costs? Here are a few ideas:
Borrow a dress - who will ever know?
Cook dinner at your house for a group or take a picnic to the park.
Rent a less expensive tux or wear a nice suit.
Have a friend fix your hair.
Have a pre-pro party with your friends and do each other's nails and makeup.
Take pictures ahead of time instead of paying for them at the dance.

2009 Prom Season

2009-02-23T13:30:00.004-05:00

I can't believe it, but prom season is right around the corner. In the past I have interviewed teens who plan to spend upwards of $500 just for their prom dress. In the past, proms have been a 2.7 billion dollar industry. With the current economic climate I am betting this will not be the case for the 2009 prom season.

Are you the parent of a teen who will be going to prom? I am curious to know what folks are doing or have done in the past to be creative and save money.

National Marriage Media Campaign

2009-02-18T15:52:00.004-05:00

USA Today ran an article yesterday about a federally funded ad campaign to up hold the value of marriage. The reporter talked about the research that was conducted by TRU with more than 3,000 18-30-year-olds which showed that there were five distinct segments:

14% express strong sentiments against marriage
22% aren't ready, but say they eventually plan to wed
23% have a practical view of marital unions and often live together first
19% are enmeshed in the magic of love
22% have a strong belief in the institution of marriage

The research indicates that the motivation for marriage is very high.

So the rub about all of this is whether or not the government should be funding an ad campaign about the value of marriage. What the article didn't address is why the government is doing this in the first place. This is the part that I believe is critical and cannot be left out of the equation.

A significant amount of research indicates that: the collapse of marriage is the principal cause of child poverty in the United States. Approximately 80 percent of long-term child poverty in our country occurs among children from broken or never-formed families.

The lack of marriage in our society clearly has major long-term consequences. How is this type of campaign different from the click it or ticket campaign or the stop smoking campaign?

Did you read the article? What are your thoughts about this?

Sexting

2009-02-16T14:36:00.004-05:00

Don't know if you have been following the incident where 6 Pennsylvania high school teens are facing child pornography charges after three teenage girls allegedly took nude or semi-nude photos of themselves and shared them with male classmates via their cell phones, but if you haven't and you are a parent you might want to pay attention.

In recent conversations with teens across our community they say this is a common practice - which is really scary for a number of reasons. When a group of middle school girls were asked why they sent out nude pictures of themselves they said they were marketing themselves as good date material. Hummmmmmmmmmmm

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy reported that a survey of 1,280 teens and young adults found that 20 percent of the teens surveyed said they had sent or posted nude or semi-nude photos or videos of themselves.

I have to tell you this makes me sad. Our girls are getting some crazy messages if they believe they have to send nude pictures of themselves to boys for them to consider them good dating material. From my conversations, girls tell me that the boys ask them to send these pictures.

In my opinion, something is totally messed up with this whole scenario. For us as parents I think it means we must keep our eyes wide open and not be afraid to talk with our tweens/teens about these issues - even if they don't bring them up.

I personally am committed to not letting the culture raise my child. Not that I am foolish enough to believe she will never do anything wrong, but it won't be because we didn't talk about the crazy stuff that is going on surrounding sex. If our girls believe the best thing they have to offer a guy is their body we are in big trouble.

Would love to hear your thoughts about this.

P.S. Thought you might be interested to know that Facebook has changed its terms. Basically stating that anything that is put on Facebook becomes the property of Facebook even if the account is closed. The Consumerist

Valentine's Day

2009-02-13T08:32:00.002-05:00

So I did a little research on Valentine's Day. More than 1 billion Valentine's Day cards will be sent and it is estimated that people will spend more than 650 million on food, candy, flowers and other Valentine's Day gifts.

Women will purchase 85 percent of the Valentine cards while men buy most of the candy and bouquets. Thought it was interesting that 64 percent of the men say they do not make plans in advance for a romantic Valentine's Day. Hummmmmmmmm

It does seem kind of funny to me that people spend an incredible amount of money in one day to say, "I love you!" Wonder what they do with the other 364 opportunities they have to say or do something to let their loved ones know how much they mean to them????

I personally think Valentine's Day is kinda fun, but not if that is the only day of the year you go out of your way to say "I love you." I know when Jay and I were dating I was constantly trying to think of creative ways to show him how much I loved him. After a few years of marriage it seems like I stopped being so creative. I'm back in the game when it comes to this because I really do think it matters in a marriage relationship.

So, here are a few of my ideas:

Write down 10 things you appreciate about your spouse and leave it on his/her dresser.
Put a love note in your spouse's wallet.
Bring home a flower every day.
Cook his/her favorite meal just because.
Leave Hugs and Kisses in unexpected places throughout the house.

So, what are your creative ideas??????

What we take for granted

2009-02-09T12:43:00.004-05:00

Imagine if every time you went to brush your teeth you had to find a bottle of water to wet your toothbrush or when you went to take a shower you had to be careful not to let water get in your mouth because it could make you sick.

I have just lived through 9 days of that in a foreign country and I have to tell you it made me truly appreciate living in America. Walking the streets of this third world country, my nose was subjected to smells it has never been subjected to - not something I would even care to describe to you - and believe me, you appreciate me for that! Navigating traffic was a... well lets just say I closed my eyes because I couldn't stomach it.

Needless to say, living in a place where I had to watch what I ate and drank, wash my hands constantly with hand sanitizer and deal with filth everywhere, it made me truly aware of how blessed we are even on the worst days.

Every single American has access to a free education. We have programs to help feed those in need. Most people can access clean drinking water and we are allowed to express our opinions freely without fear of government retaliation.

This experience has certainly made me think about all of the things we often take for granted. The reality is I believe we are very blessed and can be thankful everyday for what we have.

National Marriage Week

2009-01-29T09:35:00.001-05:00

National Marriage Week is February 7th - 14th. It is an opportunity to recommit to figuring out how to make your marriage work. If it is bad it can get good again and if it is good it can get better. In their book, One Good Year, Dave and Janet Congo suggest committing to live one good year of marriage with your LifeMate using these 12 commandments:

I commit on a daily basis to be an encouraging partner.

I commit to make intentional choices that enrich our marriage.

I commit to forgive and to be aware of my need for forgiveness.

I commit to practice awareness of my LifeMate on an ongoing basis.

I commit to protect the boundaries of our marriage.

I commit to connect in healthy ways on a daily basis.

I commit to making joy and laughter part of our relationship.

I commit on a daily basis to be a team player in our relationship.

I commit to making our spiritual relationship my highest priority.

I commit to making our sexual relationship satisfying, sensual, and spiritual.

I commit to establishing balance in my marriage.

I commit to leaving a significant and eternal legacy.

Consider what could happen in your marriage relationship if you commit to living by these commandments for a year.

Have You Loved Your Spouse Today?

2009-01-26T20:33:00.002-05:00

People usually make it a point to celebrate birthdays, Mother’s Day, or Father’s Day, but when it comes to celebrating marriage, somehow it just doesn’t show up at the top of the list. Marriage is like anything else in life….cars, plants, or your body, if you don’t do preventive maintenance a major overhaul could be on the horizon.

Unfortunately, instead of understanding that marriage has its ups and downs, many couples make the decision to throw in the towel during the low points when, in reality, their marriage could not only be saved, it has the potential to be really great. According to research conducted by Dr. Linda Waite from the University of Chicago, almost 80 percent of couples who were “very unhappy” in their marriages and agreed not to divorce described themselves as “very happy or quite happy” five years later. According to this research, permanent marital unhappiness is surprisingly rare among the couples who stick it out. For some couples asking for help feels like failure. Spouses often talk about pride getting in the way of seeking guidance or help. Yet going through with a divorce often makes people feel like the ultimate failure.

How many times have you heard a child say “I can do it myself!” as you stand off to the side thinking, “If only he would let me help, it would be so much easier.” Today we have a wealth of excellent resources from mentors to books, videos, enrichment classes, marriage friendly counselors and marriage retreat weekends. It is hard to comprehend why anybody would indignantly say, “I can do it myself!”

Inauguration Day

2009-01-23T15:25:00.002-05:00

Our daughter just returned from the inauguration. While she described it as an amazing experience, I can tell you as the mom it was a bit nerve wracking. She arrived in Washington on Saturday, along with 16,999 other students. Her plane landed at 2 pm. Imagine my surprise when she called me at 6 pm and said she was still at the airport. At this point I decided to take action and started trying to communicate with the leadership of the group. At 8:30 I was fit to be tied. When I finally got a real live person on the line they acted shocked that she was still at the airport, but my daughter assured me that almost everybody was still at the airport and these people didn't have a clue.

Long story short, she finally checked into her hotel at 1:15 AM.

I say all of this to make the point that I do not consider myself to be a helicopter parent and I totally recognize that in just a couple of years our little girl will be off to college living somewhat independently of her parents. However, that did not stop me from thinking about the fact that if the arrival in DC was this disorganized, what will Inauguration Day be like when she is in the midst of more than a million people? Can I tell you my mind started running wild???????

This experience re-emphasized for me the importance of preparing our kids for these types of unexpected situations. If we had consistently solved problems for her she would not have been prepared.

So for all the times we have let her make mistakes and learn from those mistakes - even though it was hard not to step in and make things okay -it was worth it. Especially when we see her handle a situation like the inauguration trip where instead of freaking out, she kept her head about her and made some really good decisions.

2009-01-22T10:44:00.002-05:00

I recently wrote an article about women who talk badly about their husbands behind their back to other women. I honestly was shocked at the response I received from men all over the world. Here is the part that seemed to resonate with them:

I honestly don’t think women spend much time thinking about how they treat their husbands.

One man wrote, "I really don't think we are as selfish and incompetent as our wives make us out to be. We just don't do things exactly the way she thinks they ought to be done.

I interviewed therapist and author Michele Weiner Davis for this article. She agreed that this is a huge issue in many marriages and cited this example:

A few years ago she was facilitating a group of women who wanted to improve their marriages. As the evening progressed she noted that it started to feel like a male-bashing session. Wives were saying things like, ‘I feel like I have another child.’ ‘My husband never does anything to help.’ After listening for a few minutes she asked these ladies this question, ‘If your husband were here and you weren’t, would he say you are more complimentary or critical of him?' Weiner Davis said it was as if a light bulb went on for many of the wives. One woman said she recently returned home to see that her husband had mowed their 3 acre spread and her only comment was, ‘you missed a spot under the tree.’

Wouldn't it be nice if we were intentional about talking about all of the things husbands do right? Sometimes it is really easy to get caught up in petty stuff and that can wreak havoc in your marriage.

Championship Fathers

2009-01-16T12:52:00.003-05:00

I am sooo excited about hearing Carey Casey, CEO of the National Center for Fathering speak at our Championship Fathering event next Thursday. He is mesmerizing when he speaks. He is not only a father, but a ferocious advocate for children and fathers. You can so clearly hear this man's heart when he speaks about the importance of fathers being involved in the lives of their children. I consider it an honor to call him friend and a co-laborer in our work to build strong families.

I hope you will encourage the men in your life who are involved in the lives of children or will be involved in the lives of children, to attend Championship Fathering. This is an event they will not want to miss! Guaranteed!!!!

For more information visit www.firstthings.org

Involved Fathers

2009-01-15T14:49:00.002-05:00

Did you know that there are 65 million fathers in America and many of them are not involved in the lives of their children. Studies indicate that 27 million children will go to bed tonight without their biological father in the home.

Growing up I was such a Daddy's girl. He could say "jump" and I would ask, "How high?" I often wonder if Dads really know how much they impact their children when they are engaged in their lives.

Imagine what it would be like if all dads were intentional about being involved in the lives of their children. Research commissioned by The National Center for Fathering showed three key fundamentals of a Championship Father: loving, coaching and modeling. To truly make a difference in our culture, fathers also need to encourage other children, and enlist other dads to join the Championship team.

I recently heard someone say that women take their relationship with their father to the grave. In other words, following up from my last post, fathers parent, they don't babysit. The relationship they have or don't have with their children impacts the lives of their children forever.

What can we do to help more fathers be engaged in the lives of their children?

Fathering

2009-01-12T10:35:00.000-05:00

Do fathers parent or babysit?

Tough Economic Times

2009-01-09T14:28:00.003-05:00

So here's the biggest thing I have noticed about not having television. I don't walk around all day worrying like Chicken Little that the sky is falling. It seems like everywhere I turn people are talking doom and gloom about the economy and what is going to happen. It is like folks have been brainwashed and that is all they can think about. Are things bad? There is no question we are going through a tough time, but we have all been through tough times before. But, if we are constantly thinking about how bad it is and operate out of a state of fear, how does that help us or anybody around us?

Maybe this is the time to reflect on the fact that we are so blessed compared to the rest of the world. Our children have the opportunity to go to school. We have access to so many services and it is often times like these that bring out the generosity of even those that seemingly have nothing left to give.

One of my favorite sayings is "Garbage in garbage out" The more I let myself take in a bunch of unfiltered junk the more my mind gets weighed down thinking about all that junk. So I have made a conscious decision to stay informed about current issues BUT on my terms.

I have spent time talking with people who experienced the Great Depression and one of the themes I hear over and over again was it brought us together. We had to work together to survive. I'm thinking that isn't such a bad thing!

If these hard economic times bring couples and families closer and create an environment where friends and even strangers learn that we can depend on each other then that would be a really good thing.

Time Together

2009-01-07T12:49:00.003-05:00

Okay - so you might think that we did nothing, but watch television when we were home, but that is not true. We actually watched very little television, which is why I think all of us were so shocked at how much additional time we had on our hands when we turned off the television.

So what exactly did we do with all this extra time?????

We spent a lot more time doing things together as a family - like talking about current events, taking the dogs on a walk, working outside in the yard or reading the same book and then discussing it. I even noticed that I actually enjoyed the quiet instead of the background chatter while I was cooking dinner. Yes, I do cook most nights. Surprise, surprise!

Studies indicate that today's young people spend more time watching television (15,000 hours) than they do in school (11,000 hours). During an average year, American youth are exposed to:

-More than 14,000 sexual references
-Between 1,000 and 2,000 alcoholic beverage commercials
-More than 8,000 murders and 100,000 acts of violence
-Approximately 20,000 commercials

I think that most of us don't even realize the things that tend to rob us of real quality time with our spouse and kids. This television thing was a real eye opener for me. I am curious to know other things you have identified that rob us of family time? Any thoughts??

Turning Off Your Television.....

2009-01-06T11:45:00.003-05:00

Last January we accepted a challenge from a family friend to turn off our television. I think all of us had our doubts about how this was going to go, but ultimately were very surprised. Initially I missed having the television on in the background while getting ready for work or cooking dinner. After a few weeks I was honestly amazed at how peaceful our home was.
I realized I was hearing birds outside my window in the morning as I was getting ready for work instead of news of rape, murder, war, the election and other tragic events that were repeated at least five times. Instead of starting out the day feeling bogged down about all that was bad in the world, I felt positive about life. I was shocked at the difference in how I felt.

We have had our television off for a year and I am pleased to report not only have we survived, we have actually enjoyed it.

People tell me all the time how crazy their schedules are and how disconnected they feel from family members. I wonder what would happen if they took a time out from television or even limited the amount they watched? My daughter was shocked at how much more time she had on her hands.

At the end of six months we had a family meeting about turning the television on again. Our daughter’s response was, “I think we should keep it off until I graduate from high school. I have too many other things I need to do.” Sweet!

So you may be wondering if we are going to turn the television back on in 2009. If our daughter and I have our way the answer is No! However, some people in our household -no names - would like to watch sports.......

Are you up for the challenge?

Each Day is a Gift

2008-12-30T13:59:00.005-05:00

A couple of weeks ago a dear friend of our family passed away very suddenly. I watched as her husband and two daughters grieved their loss. It really made me think about the reality that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. All too often I think I and probably others assume there is always tomorrow to make things right or to say I love you.

The other night my daughter and I were having a conversation about this. I shared with her that what happened to this family is exactly why I think it is important that no matter what has gone on between us that our family parts for the day on a good note. It would be a pretty hard pill to swallow if my last words to my child or my spouse were harsh ones.

As 2009 is knocking at my door, I am thinking about the things I want to focus on in the new year. One thing for sure is making certain that I don't take for granted the time I have with my family and the opportunity I have to make every goodbye or good night count.

What Not to Buy Your Wife for Christmas

2008-12-17T08:59:00.001-05:00

This is the time of year when many husbands break out in a cold sweat trying to figure out just the right gift to give their wife so they won’t end up in the doghouse. To help you men out a bit, I conducted an informal survey asking women what their husbands should NOT give them for Christmas. Some of the items mentioned were: a vacuum cleaner, an ice crusher, tools, a low-calorie cookbook, anything that plugs in, air conditioner vents and dish towels.

The clock is ticking and Christmas will be here before you know it. Now that you know a few of the things you should not purchase, how do you know what would be a great gift?

Be a good understudy to your wife. Listen carefully to what she says. Pay attention to the things she enjoys and the way she spends her time. Does she like to cook, garden, sew, read, knit, go to the movies, or ride bikes? You might even try asking her to give you a list of things she would like for Christmas. (NOTE: Wives, if your husband asks you to make a list of things you would like for Christmas, please do it. Don’t respond with, “If you don’t know what to buy me for Christmas, I am certainly not going to tell you.”) Men, with a little investigative work you can uncover some helpful hints that will guide you in your gift buying.

When asked what they would like for Christmas from their husbands, here are some of the things the wives said:

Women like to be pampered, so consider a gift certificate for a massage or a pedicure.

It is nice to have a break from cooking every so often. What about either making plans to take the children out to dinner one evening allowing your wife to stay at home in peace and quite and/or purchasing a gift certificate and taking her on a date to her favorite restaurant or on a romantic getaway?

Does your wife have a hobby? For instance, if she enjoys cooking and trying new recipes you might buy her a gift certificate to a cooking class – they even offer couples cooking classes.

A rule of thumb that you might want to consider is, if it is practical, don’t buy it. It isn’t something that should be given as a gift.

If all else fails and you are still at a loss it isn’t against the rules to ask her to accompany you on a shopping spree to find the perfect gift.

For more holiday survival tips visit firstthings.org

Leaving a Legacy

2008-12-15T09:30:00.001-05:00

This weekend we traveled to Maryville, Tennessee to attend the funeral of my husband's uncle. While it was definitely a celebration of his life, it was clearly a sad day for family and friends alike. Curtis was an amazing man who never met a stranger. In fact, if you knew him you were considered family and treated that way.

As I was sitting at the funeral I was thinking about how difficult this Christmas will be for his two girls, their spouses and the grandkids. My heart was heavy as I watched them mourning. Curtis and his wife, Martha Ann, gave this family a wonderful legacy and MANY great memories.

I know we are all probably pretty busy with Christmas preparations, but I pray that none of us forget that one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is our constant presence in their lives and something to live up to after we are gone.

While speaking at the funeral, my husband charged the grandkids to pay attention to the way Curtis lived his life and to understand that part of living out his legacy is learning how to pass it on.

It made me think about the legacy I hope we are passing on to our daughter - one of giving to others, being authentic, loving each other well....even on the bad days and making others feel like family to name a few. Maybe I will ask her and see what she says.....

What is the legacy you hope to pass on to your kids and grandkids?

Serving Military Families

2008-12-11T13:28:00.000-05:00

I have several friends who have a spouse in the military. It has made me think about how appreciative I am that they are willing to serve, but it makes me very sad that these families will celebrate Christmas without their mom, dad, wife or husband. As I was talking with one of my friends, I asked her what we could do to be supportive. I thought I would pass along a few of the suggestions she gave me.

Take the children for a few hours to give respite to the parent.
Say thank you. These families make a significant sacrifice on behalf of our country. To acknowledge this to the families is huge.
Include the sons of deployed dads in your father/son activities - they get tired of being stuck with just the girls. Same thing for daughters if the Mom is the military member.
Organize meals just like you would for a new baby - set one night a week aside to deliver food to the family.
Have your whole block show tie yellow ribbons around trees to help everyone remember their deployed neighbor.
Check on the family regularly. The spouse left behind needs to know that another grown up is around even if they don't need anything.
Invite the family along on outings with your family even if it's just for a quick ice cream.
Think about chores dads do - help with the garbage cans each week or offer to change the oil in the car. Help with the window air conditioners or just getting the Christmas tree into the house.
Write letters to the deployed soldier letting him/her know you are watching over their family.

This is a great time of year to make a commitment to year round service to military families.

What will you and your family do to make this Christmas and 2009 a better year for a military family you know?

A House Divided

2008-12-09T09:14:00.000-05:00

I am struck by the fact that more than one million children, young and older, each year find themselves in the precarious situation, after their parents’ divorce, of feeling like they have to choose one parent over the other. While many anticipate the holidays as a time of celebration, being together as a family, exchanging gifts and creating wonderful memories, children of divorce often have bittersweet feelings as this time of year seems to magnify the reality of their situation.
Elizabeth Einstein, National Stepfamily Educator and author of Strengthening Your Stepfamily, says there are no easy answers, but there are some things adult children of divorce can do to make the holidays easier.

Plan ahead – This is key to getting the holidays off to the right start. There are no rules that say you must visit everyone in the same day. Consider rotating holidays with each family or celebrating on a day other than the designated holiday. Planning in advance also gives family members time to deal with the change.

Have realistic expectations – Expecting the holidays to be as they once were is unrealistic. Temper your dreams with reality. Remember, you can’t please everyone all the time and there are no perfect families. If you try to do everything, the potential for exhaustion, resentment and hurt feelings is high.

Create your own holiday traditions – Create your own way of celebrating the holidays. Maybe you could host an annual get together with friends or attend a special worship service.

Boundaries – Everybody wants some of your time. It is up to you to set boundaries. Be clear about what you will and won’t do.

Ask for support from friends during this time – Find someone in a similar situation who can empathize with you and help you find some creative ways to celebrate.

Be nice to yourself - Make time for a walk, a leisurely gift wrapping session, and doing things you wouldn’t normally do. Where the whole season is about rush, rush, rush, make yours about calm, calm, calm.

For those who feel their loyalty must be divided around the holidays, focusing on the true meaning of the holiday can make it more meaningful. The season is not about presents or rushing around to different houses. It is about love, remembering the good times you’ve had in the past, and creating new memories with the ones you care about. The stress may not always disappear, but it can be more manageable if you have a plan you can execute with confidence and creativity.

Families on the Run

2008-12-08T13:17:00.000-05:00

This past Saturday First Things First held Families on the Run. When I got up at 4:30 in the morning I could tell it was cold outside - and then I went outside. Oh Boy! Cold would be an understatement. We had right at 500 people registered to run. When we got to the starting line - clearly people had either decided the warm bed was just too good to get out of or they waited until the very last minute to come out which meant we started a little late. In spite of the cold we still had 300 people including lots of families participate. We got the 5k, 10k and Santa Stroll going and then the fun really started. It was so cold our timing machines kept freezing up. When we got them thawed out and working again the ink in the the machine froze. As a back up we were writing out times as people crossed the finish line - the ink in the pen froze. Did I mention it was COLD outside. The race officials said this was the coldest race they had ever done. What a distinction!

The good news is people loved the event and families spent time together, which is exactly what we were hoping for especially at this time of year.

Hope you are getting some good quality time with your family! When it comes to what really counts, this is at the top of the list.

I am interested in knowing creative ways you spend time together as a family.

Marriage Champions

2008-12-05T08:32:00.000-05:00

I have just returned from spending 4 days with Marriage Champions from across the country. WOW!!! What an amazing time. We learned about new technology that is going to be available to couples in the coming year along with exciting new marriage strengthening tools.

In the midst of everything I hear on the news and the marriages that I see falling apart around me, I admit there are days when I ask myself....are we really making a difference? Are we loosing the battle? I know in my heart that there is no question we are making a difference, but sometimes it just gets discouraging when it is like pulling teeth to get people to do simple things that would make such a dramatic difference in their marriage relationship. It's like they have time for everything else, except taking care of their marriage.

I wish everybody could have spent this week engaged in conversation with these Marriage Champions. Talk about uplifting and hope filled! Whew!!!!! From the research to the "in the trenches" testimonies of folks working with people all over this nation, people clearly, in fact, I would say desperately, want marriage. Unfortunately, there are a lot of folks who see marriage as out of their reach for various reasons and others who are scared silly when it comes to the idea of trying to make a marriage work.

Once again I was reminded that it is easy to get caught up in your own work and your own marriage and operate in a silo. However, as all of us spent time together this week we were encouraging and reminding each other of the difference we are making in the lives of many marriages and children. I think we all left rejuvenated and ready to fight the good fight!!

There are so many great things happening across our country and right here in Chattanooga to help people build strong marriages and families. That is a very good thing!!!!!

Black Friday

2008-12-01T09:42:00.000-05:00

Did you get lured to the stores for the after Thanksgiving sales like I did? We were up and out at 5:30 am. Crazy huh?! Based on everything in the news about the economy, I really wondered if people would come out. Maybe it was a little lighter than last year, but there were plenty of people and they were definitely spending.

But here is what struck me while I was at the mall....I really don't NEED anything. I saw a ton of stuff I would love to have, but when the rubber meets the road, what I need the most and what I think other people want the most, money can't buy. You can't buy my friendship or my love. Money can't buy me happiness or family.

So I think I have decided to go a different route this Christmas. I love it when I find the perfect gift that someone will really enjoy, but I think for the most part I am not going to find those gifts in a store. I think it has more to do with my time and talent.

Here are a few things I have thought of that I can do for others that require very little money:

homemade goodies for my friends
having some friends over for coffee and conversation
taking care of a friend's child so they can have a date night

Okay - so I'm still working on my list. Any suggestions?????

The Real Reason We Celebrate Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T12:40:00.001-05:00

The Macy's parade, football, food, family and friends...what could be better on Thanksgiving day? This is one of my favorite days of the year. Taking time out to think about what we are thankful for is a cool thing, especially in today's world where it is so easy to get caught up in whining about what we don't have.

I am thankful for...

...family, friends, good health, a husband who makes me LAUGH, a daughter who frequently reminds me I am so not cool, and two golden retrievers who love the simple things in life - tennis balls, bones, and humans who are willing to pet them;

...a job I am passionate about, a home that is a sanctuary, the freedom to worship as I choose, living in a country where I am allowed to freely express my opinion, and the ability to stare in amazement at jet streams going in a million different directions high in the sky;

....food on the table, the opportunity to grow and learn and the freedom to be who I am.

I hope you are having a great Thanksgiving day!

Bring on the Second Turkey

2008-11-26T07:19:00.000-05:00

I have run into a number of people who will eat not one, but two Thanksgiving dinners tomorrow to keep peace in the family. I've known families who visit one set of parents in the morning, eat a big lunch and hang out for a couple of hours and then head over to the other set of parents for the “second turkey.”
Do you ever find yourself getting irritable just anticipating the craziness of a holiday?
This is what I know to be true...when I let that irritation get the best of me….I take it out on the ones I love the most – my spouse and daughter. The potential for a perfectly good holiday gets shot right out the window.
I have learned that things don’t have to go south. It’s true that attitude is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you choose to respond. Just like athletes prepare for a marathon, you and I can prepare for the Thanksgiving Marathon. Come up with a game plan. It could include secret hand signals that mean it’s time to go or a code word that lets the other know I could use a little help with the kids.
What creative things do you do to keep the fun in your holidays?